May 26, 2009
Skipped yesterday. I really couldn't find anything to add after giving myself that mental enema. Tonight's not much different, though I feel I should comment on my change in mood.
It's not that I'm happier, because I'm not. I'm just not as distraught as I was. I think I'm letting go. I still hope it works out for us, but it's finally sinking in that there's nothing I can do about it right now. I think you, on the other hand, might either be really working on yourself, or really missing me a lot. You havn't made a YouTube video in four days. That makes me really happy. On the other hand, the video I made for you has had two more views in the past day. It's a stretch, but I feel like maybe it was you.
Tomorrow my real job starts. I'm going to be working forty hours every week from here on in. Lots to keep my mind occupied. But nothing will ever grace my imagination the way you did. You captured every facet of my fantasies. You were a living dream.
You just made me very happy. Thank you for that.
I don't know what this means for my journal. I'm sure I'll be wanting to write more in it, but I'm not so sure about trying to make it a daily ritual if it doesn't need to be. I hope you're getting better. I hope you realize what a wonderful person you are, and no matter what happens with us, I hope you'll be happy. I lean towards wanting us to be together, but if that means you'll be unhappy then I wouldn't want that.
As far as contact, the ball's in your court. I wrote you several days ago letting you know that if you want to talk, I'm here. I still mean that... at least I think I do. It's one of those things where I wouldn't know how I'd feel until it happens. But I feel like it would go well. It's strange typing this to no one, but I want to say something directly to you for a second.
I love you. I always will. You're my princess, my buddy, my wifey. And I'm your hubby, your sultan, and your goat. We'll always have our bubble, where we can escape the rest of the world for a short while. But right now, we both need to face the world head-on and get these problems solved so that we can be better for ourselves, and whoever is lucky enough to share our lives with us. I know we can do it. We can do anything.
I believe in you, Jessica.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Like a River
May 24, 2009
Okay. Tonight I just need to get some of this shit out of my head. Totally free-flowing writing.
I feel like shit ever since you left me. The reasons are too many to count. I feel like maybe it was my fault sometimes, but when I really start thinking about it, I blame you as well. Did something I do lead to this? If you loved me as much as you said you did, then why was our relationship not strong enough to handle this? Could you not try harder? I know you have to do this for yourself. I always said that. I just don't know why you wouldn't try harder to separate the two. Us getting together after your problems are solved is not asking alot. It's asking you to be true to the things you said when we were together. Do this for yourself, but separate the two. Learn to value yourself and the problem is gone. Do some reflection instead of projecting and subjecting yourself to the rest of the world over YouTube for approval. Get your own approval. Make your own approval. It's not fair to make me suffer for your inability to value yourself the way I valued you.
But there is where my greatest fear lies: you might feel too ashamed to come back. I don't want that. That's part of the problem. Respect yourself enough to realize that you have a problem and realize that you're worthy of forgiveness. We can work, but it's all about you loving yourself first. Work on that. Fix that problem. And when you've done that, we can pick back up on the wonderful love that we shared. You loved me when I was at my worst, and even though I had to dig and prod and pry, I saw yours. Don't be ashamed of that, and don't say we're not right for each other because we had problems. If we weren't right for each other, we would have realized it WAY sooner. We were together for nearly three years. Three very happy years. Don't lie to me and tell me that we weren't really happy to try and make this easier for me. Be honest. If you're not honest, then you will regret it. You'll think about us several years later and wonder what could have been if you were honest with me and honest with yourself. There's no choice between me and sanity. There does, however, need to be this separation. But all the bullshit about it needing to be permanent is just that: bullshit. Bullshit you gleaned from reading a work of fiction that you cling to as some universal truth. It's almost as though you replaced your bible with this book, like you need some external source of truth for your life to have meaning. That ties back in with your lack of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that you need to find a way around.
I'm glad this didn't turn into a self-pitying list of the woes I've faced since we parted. I kind of expected that, seeing as how this is free-flowing and all. But it says something about the focus and the good that you do for me that I was able to sit and write this rationally. Our love gives me that focus.
This sounds like something I want to send to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll think about it for a few days. I just need to get this crap off my chest. I need to be honest with myself instead of trying to justify everything. So here are some difficulties I've been facing:
I'm pretty upset over the way you talked about our relationship (or didn't) to Brian. I'm sure you probably treated Nathan to the same short and sweet explanation.
We both said several times that no matter what came up, we would work through it. That didn't happen this time. We said we were together for good. It was comforting to know that we wouldn't have to "look" anymore. I meant it. It seems that you didn't. That hurts my trust. Maybe that's what hurts the most. Forever didn't happen, even though you said it would.
Short pause. But there are noises in the background that are distracting me. My brother is here recovering from surgery. His girlfriend is also here taking care of him. Like you did after my surgery. I didn't have any shame, and I wasn't self-aware. I was just hurt, and you were there to take care of me through the rough patch. It really hurts to look back on that. It hurts more to look back on the times we made each other laugh so hard we cried. We complemented each other. We didn't need anyone else because we had each other.
Here I go blaming myself again... Was it because our plans to move failed time and again? Was it because we couldn't get out of Nac, and you finally got tired of it? Did that have some effect on your decision? Because I wanted to. I really wanted to get to Austin, if not Toronto. But frankly, I would have gone anywhere as long as you came too. It was just the money. I came with this financial burden. Now, because we're apart, I get the chance to fix that problem. My main problem. And you get the chance to fix yours without having to worry about me. This is a good thing. This just doesn't have to be permanent.
If I could just make you see what I saw in you, you'd love yourself immediately, and this whole mess would be solved. You'd get healthy for yourself, and once you did that you'd have a life of happiness with me to look forward to again. But there's no way to instantly instill self-worth in someone. You're the one who has to find it and see it for yourself, because if I just showed it to you, then you would still credit me for that, and not take the recognition. So I guess the point of this is me saying I hope you learn to love yourself soon. I hope it happens before it's too late. You told me that your feelings for me had changed because you'd "altered them". I don't believe that for a second, but i do believe that you're trying to. You're telling yourself a version of events that helps you move past me. It's strange: for someone who is so emotional and subjective, it seems like you're very good at suppressing your feelings when you want to. It's just a shame that the one feeling you're suppressing was the best one. The one that could do you no harm. So, if you keep telling yourself these things, you'll eventually start to believe them. When you think about me or us, you'll think what you've told yourself to think, and not explore it any further. Then we truly won't have a chance. And that would be a tragedy.
I want you to reconsider. I want you to be honest with yourself. You still love me. I know because after everything I've gone through, I still love you. As much as we may want to change these things, we can't just decide to. That's why this is so hard. Because it isn't right. The gut feeling you had steered you in the right direction, and I have no argument with that. It was what we both needed. We needed to get out of that apartment, we needed to fix our problems. We couldn't do it where we were. Not only were we financially incapable, but there was too much else going on for us to worry about ourselves as individuals. We needed a break. And a break is all it needs to be, if you'd only realize how special you are, how beautiful you are, how incredibly smart and talented you are. And I love you. If you weren't worth it, I would not be giving up my life to you.
After reading over it, I think I'm going to send this. Either that or I'll post it in the forum I'm been visiting to help me through this. The only problem I'd have with sending it is not knowing whether or not I would hear your thoughts afterward. I'd be constantly checking to see if you'd written back, and if I checked enough times and you hadn't replied, I would start to resent you. I don't want that, and I know you don't want the pressure of needing to respond. I think I'll just post this in the forum.
Okay. Tonight I just need to get some of this shit out of my head. Totally free-flowing writing.
I feel like shit ever since you left me. The reasons are too many to count. I feel like maybe it was my fault sometimes, but when I really start thinking about it, I blame you as well. Did something I do lead to this? If you loved me as much as you said you did, then why was our relationship not strong enough to handle this? Could you not try harder? I know you have to do this for yourself. I always said that. I just don't know why you wouldn't try harder to separate the two. Us getting together after your problems are solved is not asking alot. It's asking you to be true to the things you said when we were together. Do this for yourself, but separate the two. Learn to value yourself and the problem is gone. Do some reflection instead of projecting and subjecting yourself to the rest of the world over YouTube for approval. Get your own approval. Make your own approval. It's not fair to make me suffer for your inability to value yourself the way I valued you.
But there is where my greatest fear lies: you might feel too ashamed to come back. I don't want that. That's part of the problem. Respect yourself enough to realize that you have a problem and realize that you're worthy of forgiveness. We can work, but it's all about you loving yourself first. Work on that. Fix that problem. And when you've done that, we can pick back up on the wonderful love that we shared. You loved me when I was at my worst, and even though I had to dig and prod and pry, I saw yours. Don't be ashamed of that, and don't say we're not right for each other because we had problems. If we weren't right for each other, we would have realized it WAY sooner. We were together for nearly three years. Three very happy years. Don't lie to me and tell me that we weren't really happy to try and make this easier for me. Be honest. If you're not honest, then you will regret it. You'll think about us several years later and wonder what could have been if you were honest with me and honest with yourself. There's no choice between me and sanity. There does, however, need to be this separation. But all the bullshit about it needing to be permanent is just that: bullshit. Bullshit you gleaned from reading a work of fiction that you cling to as some universal truth. It's almost as though you replaced your bible with this book, like you need some external source of truth for your life to have meaning. That ties back in with your lack of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that you need to find a way around.
I'm glad this didn't turn into a self-pitying list of the woes I've faced since we parted. I kind of expected that, seeing as how this is free-flowing and all. But it says something about the focus and the good that you do for me that I was able to sit and write this rationally. Our love gives me that focus.
This sounds like something I want to send to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll think about it for a few days. I just need to get this crap off my chest. I need to be honest with myself instead of trying to justify everything. So here are some difficulties I've been facing:
I'm pretty upset over the way you talked about our relationship (or didn't) to Brian. I'm sure you probably treated Nathan to the same short and sweet explanation.
We both said several times that no matter what came up, we would work through it. That didn't happen this time. We said we were together for good. It was comforting to know that we wouldn't have to "look" anymore. I meant it. It seems that you didn't. That hurts my trust. Maybe that's what hurts the most. Forever didn't happen, even though you said it would.
Short pause. But there are noises in the background that are distracting me. My brother is here recovering from surgery. His girlfriend is also here taking care of him. Like you did after my surgery. I didn't have any shame, and I wasn't self-aware. I was just hurt, and you were there to take care of me through the rough patch. It really hurts to look back on that. It hurts more to look back on the times we made each other laugh so hard we cried. We complemented each other. We didn't need anyone else because we had each other.
Here I go blaming myself again... Was it because our plans to move failed time and again? Was it because we couldn't get out of Nac, and you finally got tired of it? Did that have some effect on your decision? Because I wanted to. I really wanted to get to Austin, if not Toronto. But frankly, I would have gone anywhere as long as you came too. It was just the money. I came with this financial burden. Now, because we're apart, I get the chance to fix that problem. My main problem. And you get the chance to fix yours without having to worry about me. This is a good thing. This just doesn't have to be permanent.
If I could just make you see what I saw in you, you'd love yourself immediately, and this whole mess would be solved. You'd get healthy for yourself, and once you did that you'd have a life of happiness with me to look forward to again. But there's no way to instantly instill self-worth in someone. You're the one who has to find it and see it for yourself, because if I just showed it to you, then you would still credit me for that, and not take the recognition. So I guess the point of this is me saying I hope you learn to love yourself soon. I hope it happens before it's too late. You told me that your feelings for me had changed because you'd "altered them". I don't believe that for a second, but i do believe that you're trying to. You're telling yourself a version of events that helps you move past me. It's strange: for someone who is so emotional and subjective, it seems like you're very good at suppressing your feelings when you want to. It's just a shame that the one feeling you're suppressing was the best one. The one that could do you no harm. So, if you keep telling yourself these things, you'll eventually start to believe them. When you think about me or us, you'll think what you've told yourself to think, and not explore it any further. Then we truly won't have a chance. And that would be a tragedy.
I want you to reconsider. I want you to be honest with yourself. You still love me. I know because after everything I've gone through, I still love you. As much as we may want to change these things, we can't just decide to. That's why this is so hard. Because it isn't right. The gut feeling you had steered you in the right direction, and I have no argument with that. It was what we both needed. We needed to get out of that apartment, we needed to fix our problems. We couldn't do it where we were. Not only were we financially incapable, but there was too much else going on for us to worry about ourselves as individuals. We needed a break. And a break is all it needs to be, if you'd only realize how special you are, how beautiful you are, how incredibly smart and talented you are. And I love you. If you weren't worth it, I would not be giving up my life to you.
After reading over it, I think I'm going to send this. Either that or I'll post it in the forum I'm been visiting to help me through this. The only problem I'd have with sending it is not knowing whether or not I would hear your thoughts afterward. I'd be constantly checking to see if you'd written back, and if I checked enough times and you hadn't replied, I would start to resent you. I don't want that, and I know you don't want the pressure of needing to respond. I think I'll just post this in the forum.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Mental Chains and Whips
May 23, 2009
I sent you a message yesterday, just to say hi and see how things are going with your job hunt. You've yet to respond. I need to stop putting myself through this. I need to just not care.
What happened to that peace I found after I found out the specifics about why we had to end our relationship? I want that back. Instead, my lonliness has taken its place, and is almost equally as unbearable.
This weekend has been nice, since my brother and his girlfriend are keeping me company while the house is otherwise empty. They're leaving sometime tomorrow, though, so that leaves me an entire day alone. I'm sure it'll be filled with me checking your YouTube account, just waiting for some update from you, not matter how superficial or misleading it may be.
But like I said, today was mostly spent watching TV with my brother. That really helped to keep my mind occupied. And I caught up on watching House this morning. Still can't focus enough to get into a good video game, though. I'm almost looking forward to the contact we'll be required to make once I find out exactly how much the final expenses for our apartment are. Even though I know it'll just be business, maybe I'll be able to guage how you're dealing with this.
Honestly, I hope it hurts. I hope I'm not the only one going through this, because if I am, then I can't be sure you ever cared for me the way I did for you. I want to look back and know that you were fully in this with me. I want that image I have of you to remain unchanged. I say this while needing you to be the bad guy so I can move on.
I must be some kind of emotional masochist.
I sent you a message yesterday, just to say hi and see how things are going with your job hunt. You've yet to respond. I need to stop putting myself through this. I need to just not care.
What happened to that peace I found after I found out the specifics about why we had to end our relationship? I want that back. Instead, my lonliness has taken its place, and is almost equally as unbearable.
This weekend has been nice, since my brother and his girlfriend are keeping me company while the house is otherwise empty. They're leaving sometime tomorrow, though, so that leaves me an entire day alone. I'm sure it'll be filled with me checking your YouTube account, just waiting for some update from you, not matter how superficial or misleading it may be.
But like I said, today was mostly spent watching TV with my brother. That really helped to keep my mind occupied. And I caught up on watching House this morning. Still can't focus enough to get into a good video game, though. I'm almost looking forward to the contact we'll be required to make once I find out exactly how much the final expenses for our apartment are. Even though I know it'll just be business, maybe I'll be able to guage how you're dealing with this.
Honestly, I hope it hurts. I hope I'm not the only one going through this, because if I am, then I can't be sure you ever cared for me the way I did for you. I want to look back and know that you were fully in this with me. I want that image I have of you to remain unchanged. I say this while needing you to be the bad guy so I can move on.
I must be some kind of emotional masochist.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Abandon
May 22, 2009
I had a dream about you last night. No more falling asleep watching Rent.
In the dream, I was still living in our apartment, but it was run down, the window and the patio door were all busted out, people were constantly walking by to gawk, and I was naked, wrapped up in a sheet in the corner. Then you came in the door, beautiful as ever. You walked over to me, smiled, and wrapped your arms around me. I was confused, and then you said you missed me and came for a visit. There were no tears from either of us. We just held each other, kissed for what seemed like hours. We talked, but I couldn't tell you what it was we talked about. Then you stood up. I knew you had to go back, but I was strangely resigned. I knew you still cared, and I knew that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see you. That you would be back for another visit soon.
Yeah, that dream had me moping around all day. I miss you.
Then earlier this evening, I started to feel a sort of self-righteous confidence. I started thinking that after all, it was you, not me, who was getting the short end of the stick here. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, that was your loss. I convinced myself that one day you'd look back at all of this and regret not making the extra effort to preserve our relationship amidst the turmoil of what needed to be done.
I then started wondering if you are capable of the resilience that would be required for that. It's not that you're not strong, but I don't know if you're mentally strong enough in that way. You have a problem, an illness. And it's not fair for me to blame you for that.
Besides, I don't feel much like a prize right now. Maybe that was my self-confidence peeking its head back out after being soundly thrashed by your sudden exit from my life. I don't know. I just know that I'm in pain, and I can't blame you for it.
Still can't make you the bad guy. I'm apparently trying, though, subconsciously. Those instincts are kicking in and looking out for number one. I hope I remember how to do that after so long.
I had a dream about you last night. No more falling asleep watching Rent.
In the dream, I was still living in our apartment, but it was run down, the window and the patio door were all busted out, people were constantly walking by to gawk, and I was naked, wrapped up in a sheet in the corner. Then you came in the door, beautiful as ever. You walked over to me, smiled, and wrapped your arms around me. I was confused, and then you said you missed me and came for a visit. There were no tears from either of us. We just held each other, kissed for what seemed like hours. We talked, but I couldn't tell you what it was we talked about. Then you stood up. I knew you had to go back, but I was strangely resigned. I knew you still cared, and I knew that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see you. That you would be back for another visit soon.
Yeah, that dream had me moping around all day. I miss you.
Then earlier this evening, I started to feel a sort of self-righteous confidence. I started thinking that after all, it was you, not me, who was getting the short end of the stick here. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, that was your loss. I convinced myself that one day you'd look back at all of this and regret not making the extra effort to preserve our relationship amidst the turmoil of what needed to be done.
I then started wondering if you are capable of the resilience that would be required for that. It's not that you're not strong, but I don't know if you're mentally strong enough in that way. You have a problem, an illness. And it's not fair for me to blame you for that.
Besides, I don't feel much like a prize right now. Maybe that was my self-confidence peeking its head back out after being soundly thrashed by your sudden exit from my life. I don't know. I just know that I'm in pain, and I can't blame you for it.
Still can't make you the bad guy. I'm apparently trying, though, subconsciously. Those instincts are kicking in and looking out for number one. I hope I remember how to do that after so long.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It's the Little Things
May 21, 2009
This sucks.
All I do is sit around and think thoughts that I can't share with you anymore. If I watch a movie and see something I think is great, I can't tell you. If I saw a really funny commercial, I can't tell you. If I hear a song that I know would rock your socks off, I can't tell you. If I do really well at a game I'm playing, you're not here to congratulate me and give me that kiss on the cheek that made it all worth it.
All that and I'm sleeping alone. It's weird. I wish you were here to crawl into bed after I'm asleep and steal half the covers. I want to wake up slightly annoyed and then be relieved because now I have to curl up really close to you to be under the blanket. I want your hair to tickle my nose until I bury it in your shoulder and fall asleep thinking about how good you smell. I wanna do that thing that we always did when we went to bed around the same time, where you throw your leg over my leg and we both lay there until we kind of doze off, but then one of us has to roll over, so we both roll over. I want to wake up with your ice cold toes pressed against my thigh.
Tomorrow's another day. I'm thankful for movies like High Fidelity and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. They make me feel normal for a while.
This sucks.
All I do is sit around and think thoughts that I can't share with you anymore. If I watch a movie and see something I think is great, I can't tell you. If I saw a really funny commercial, I can't tell you. If I hear a song that I know would rock your socks off, I can't tell you. If I do really well at a game I'm playing, you're not here to congratulate me and give me that kiss on the cheek that made it all worth it.
All that and I'm sleeping alone. It's weird. I wish you were here to crawl into bed after I'm asleep and steal half the covers. I want to wake up slightly annoyed and then be relieved because now I have to curl up really close to you to be under the blanket. I want your hair to tickle my nose until I bury it in your shoulder and fall asleep thinking about how good you smell. I wanna do that thing that we always did when we went to bed around the same time, where you throw your leg over my leg and we both lay there until we kind of doze off, but then one of us has to roll over, so we both roll over. I want to wake up with your ice cold toes pressed against my thigh.
Tomorrow's another day. I'm thankful for movies like High Fidelity and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. They make me feel normal for a while.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Home is Nowhere
May 20, 2009
Again, no contact with you. Today really wouldn't have permitted it, though. My brother had surgery. Just day surgery, nothing too serious, and for the sake of his dignity, I won't go into detail. But I was gone and concerned with a lot of other things.
This doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind, though. You were still the primary thought.
Neither of us is the bad guy. I'm not sure how you're dealing with everything, but on my end, I really can't make you into the bad guy. I know why you left, and it was for a good reason. There's still greif, but it's getting easier to move on.
No, that's a lie. It's still hard as fuck to move on.
But I've found that I miss the romance and the sex less than I thought. Not that I DON'T miss them: yeah, I'd give anything to spend another night with you in my arms, to kiss you while cradling your head against my shoulder, to slide my fingers across your naked skin. But those things don't mean anything if we're not "us". No, what I miss the most is just talking to you. I miss the girl who always got my sense of humor, who knew me so well (and yes, you DID know me, whether you presumed to or not) that I didn't even have to say anything to make myself understood. I miss my friend. My Best Friend.
I think it would make us both feel better to talk as friends. But I'm kind of scared to do that because it might change our relationship completely. Because I don't want to be just your friend, Jess. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I want us to share our lives like we used to. I want to face every day by your side, and with you at mine. I know that can't happen right now, but if having my friend back for now means I lose any chance of having my partner back in the future, I'll go it alone for the time being.
I can't be attracted to other women. That sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. Yeah, I can still tell the difference between ugly and cute, but the attraction isn't there. I don't think it has been for a while. It was always just a game with us to compare our tastes in women and men, and so it felt like there was something else there; something resembling attraction. But it's clear that you're the only one I want, and the only one I can see myself spending the night with; much less the rest of my life.
That's true for now. I realize that may change at some point, because it always has. But for right now, it sickens me (seriously, makes me queasy) to think about being as intimate with someone else as I was with you. Nothing else feels like home the way you did.
Again, no contact with you. Today really wouldn't have permitted it, though. My brother had surgery. Just day surgery, nothing too serious, and for the sake of his dignity, I won't go into detail. But I was gone and concerned with a lot of other things.
This doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind, though. You were still the primary thought.
Neither of us is the bad guy. I'm not sure how you're dealing with everything, but on my end, I really can't make you into the bad guy. I know why you left, and it was for a good reason. There's still greif, but it's getting easier to move on.
No, that's a lie. It's still hard as fuck to move on.
But I've found that I miss the romance and the sex less than I thought. Not that I DON'T miss them: yeah, I'd give anything to spend another night with you in my arms, to kiss you while cradling your head against my shoulder, to slide my fingers across your naked skin. But those things don't mean anything if we're not "us". No, what I miss the most is just talking to you. I miss the girl who always got my sense of humor, who knew me so well (and yes, you DID know me, whether you presumed to or not) that I didn't even have to say anything to make myself understood. I miss my friend. My Best Friend.
I think it would make us both feel better to talk as friends. But I'm kind of scared to do that because it might change our relationship completely. Because I don't want to be just your friend, Jess. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I want us to share our lives like we used to. I want to face every day by your side, and with you at mine. I know that can't happen right now, but if having my friend back for now means I lose any chance of having my partner back in the future, I'll go it alone for the time being.
I can't be attracted to other women. That sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. Yeah, I can still tell the difference between ugly and cute, but the attraction isn't there. I don't think it has been for a while. It was always just a game with us to compare our tastes in women and men, and so it felt like there was something else there; something resembling attraction. But it's clear that you're the only one I want, and the only one I can see myself spending the night with; much less the rest of my life.
That's true for now. I realize that may change at some point, because it always has. But for right now, it sickens me (seriously, makes me queasy) to think about being as intimate with someone else as I was with you. Nothing else feels like home the way you did.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Gum
May 19, 2009.
No contact with you today. It's getting easier to handle, and I know that's good.
I thought pretty deeply about something this morning, though. All the problems we had about other people in our relationship: you know, me snooping, and you talking inappropriately with other men who clearly had more than being friends in mind... these were caused by your depression. In the same way that you don't value yourself enough to do this for yourself if we were together, you needed to feel wanted and valued by other people while we were together.
I'm not sure exactly what this means. I know it's a self-esteem issue, but does this mean that you're excused for all that? Is that why you were basically a YouTube zombie for the last couple of months? Because you were on there for approval and got it in spades? Maybe after that I just wasn't enough any more. Maybe I couldn't compete with all the people who "loved" you on YouTube, and that made it seem like a good time to get out. I don't know. But at least there's another reason that I can point to. You needed approval to feel better about yourself. You couldn't feel good for yourself, but you could for other people. I guess after a few years of being happy for me, you needed something different.
I don't mean to be hurtful by saying these things. I really do hope that this is what you need to start respecting yourself. But I'm still afraid of what could very possibly happen: you're down there close to where Brian lives now. It would be very easy to just replace me with him. That would make you feel better, even though it would be completely counter-productive. Because that would give you someone else to work for, instead of working for yourself.
That would make me feel like gum on your shoe.
I need to just stop caring, but I can't.
No contact with you today. It's getting easier to handle, and I know that's good.
I thought pretty deeply about something this morning, though. All the problems we had about other people in our relationship: you know, me snooping, and you talking inappropriately with other men who clearly had more than being friends in mind... these were caused by your depression. In the same way that you don't value yourself enough to do this for yourself if we were together, you needed to feel wanted and valued by other people while we were together.
I'm not sure exactly what this means. I know it's a self-esteem issue, but does this mean that you're excused for all that? Is that why you were basically a YouTube zombie for the last couple of months? Because you were on there for approval and got it in spades? Maybe after that I just wasn't enough any more. Maybe I couldn't compete with all the people who "loved" you on YouTube, and that made it seem like a good time to get out. I don't know. But at least there's another reason that I can point to. You needed approval to feel better about yourself. You couldn't feel good for yourself, but you could for other people. I guess after a few years of being happy for me, you needed something different.
I don't mean to be hurtful by saying these things. I really do hope that this is what you need to start respecting yourself. But I'm still afraid of what could very possibly happen: you're down there close to where Brian lives now. It would be very easy to just replace me with him. That would make you feel better, even though it would be completely counter-productive. Because that would give you someone else to work for, instead of working for yourself.
That would make me feel like gum on your shoe.
I need to just stop caring, but I can't.
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