May 26, 2009
Skipped yesterday. I really couldn't find anything to add after giving myself that mental enema. Tonight's not much different, though I feel I should comment on my change in mood.
It's not that I'm happier, because I'm not. I'm just not as distraught as I was. I think I'm letting go. I still hope it works out for us, but it's finally sinking in that there's nothing I can do about it right now. I think you, on the other hand, might either be really working on yourself, or really missing me a lot. You havn't made a YouTube video in four days. That makes me really happy. On the other hand, the video I made for you has had two more views in the past day. It's a stretch, but I feel like maybe it was you.
Tomorrow my real job starts. I'm going to be working forty hours every week from here on in. Lots to keep my mind occupied. But nothing will ever grace my imagination the way you did. You captured every facet of my fantasies. You were a living dream.
You just made me very happy. Thank you for that.
I don't know what this means for my journal. I'm sure I'll be wanting to write more in it, but I'm not so sure about trying to make it a daily ritual if it doesn't need to be. I hope you're getting better. I hope you realize what a wonderful person you are, and no matter what happens with us, I hope you'll be happy. I lean towards wanting us to be together, but if that means you'll be unhappy then I wouldn't want that.
As far as contact, the ball's in your court. I wrote you several days ago letting you know that if you want to talk, I'm here. I still mean that... at least I think I do. It's one of those things where I wouldn't know how I'd feel until it happens. But I feel like it would go well. It's strange typing this to no one, but I want to say something directly to you for a second.
I love you. I always will. You're my princess, my buddy, my wifey. And I'm your hubby, your sultan, and your goat. We'll always have our bubble, where we can escape the rest of the world for a short while. But right now, we both need to face the world head-on and get these problems solved so that we can be better for ourselves, and whoever is lucky enough to share our lives with us. I know we can do it. We can do anything.
I believe in you, Jessica.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Like a River
May 24, 2009
Okay. Tonight I just need to get some of this shit out of my head. Totally free-flowing writing.
I feel like shit ever since you left me. The reasons are too many to count. I feel like maybe it was my fault sometimes, but when I really start thinking about it, I blame you as well. Did something I do lead to this? If you loved me as much as you said you did, then why was our relationship not strong enough to handle this? Could you not try harder? I know you have to do this for yourself. I always said that. I just don't know why you wouldn't try harder to separate the two. Us getting together after your problems are solved is not asking alot. It's asking you to be true to the things you said when we were together. Do this for yourself, but separate the two. Learn to value yourself and the problem is gone. Do some reflection instead of projecting and subjecting yourself to the rest of the world over YouTube for approval. Get your own approval. Make your own approval. It's not fair to make me suffer for your inability to value yourself the way I valued you.
But there is where my greatest fear lies: you might feel too ashamed to come back. I don't want that. That's part of the problem. Respect yourself enough to realize that you have a problem and realize that you're worthy of forgiveness. We can work, but it's all about you loving yourself first. Work on that. Fix that problem. And when you've done that, we can pick back up on the wonderful love that we shared. You loved me when I was at my worst, and even though I had to dig and prod and pry, I saw yours. Don't be ashamed of that, and don't say we're not right for each other because we had problems. If we weren't right for each other, we would have realized it WAY sooner. We were together for nearly three years. Three very happy years. Don't lie to me and tell me that we weren't really happy to try and make this easier for me. Be honest. If you're not honest, then you will regret it. You'll think about us several years later and wonder what could have been if you were honest with me and honest with yourself. There's no choice between me and sanity. There does, however, need to be this separation. But all the bullshit about it needing to be permanent is just that: bullshit. Bullshit you gleaned from reading a work of fiction that you cling to as some universal truth. It's almost as though you replaced your bible with this book, like you need some external source of truth for your life to have meaning. That ties back in with your lack of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that you need to find a way around.
I'm glad this didn't turn into a self-pitying list of the woes I've faced since we parted. I kind of expected that, seeing as how this is free-flowing and all. But it says something about the focus and the good that you do for me that I was able to sit and write this rationally. Our love gives me that focus.
This sounds like something I want to send to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll think about it for a few days. I just need to get this crap off my chest. I need to be honest with myself instead of trying to justify everything. So here are some difficulties I've been facing:
I'm pretty upset over the way you talked about our relationship (or didn't) to Brian. I'm sure you probably treated Nathan to the same short and sweet explanation.
We both said several times that no matter what came up, we would work through it. That didn't happen this time. We said we were together for good. It was comforting to know that we wouldn't have to "look" anymore. I meant it. It seems that you didn't. That hurts my trust. Maybe that's what hurts the most. Forever didn't happen, even though you said it would.
Short pause. But there are noises in the background that are distracting me. My brother is here recovering from surgery. His girlfriend is also here taking care of him. Like you did after my surgery. I didn't have any shame, and I wasn't self-aware. I was just hurt, and you were there to take care of me through the rough patch. It really hurts to look back on that. It hurts more to look back on the times we made each other laugh so hard we cried. We complemented each other. We didn't need anyone else because we had each other.
Here I go blaming myself again... Was it because our plans to move failed time and again? Was it because we couldn't get out of Nac, and you finally got tired of it? Did that have some effect on your decision? Because I wanted to. I really wanted to get to Austin, if not Toronto. But frankly, I would have gone anywhere as long as you came too. It was just the money. I came with this financial burden. Now, because we're apart, I get the chance to fix that problem. My main problem. And you get the chance to fix yours without having to worry about me. This is a good thing. This just doesn't have to be permanent.
If I could just make you see what I saw in you, you'd love yourself immediately, and this whole mess would be solved. You'd get healthy for yourself, and once you did that you'd have a life of happiness with me to look forward to again. But there's no way to instantly instill self-worth in someone. You're the one who has to find it and see it for yourself, because if I just showed it to you, then you would still credit me for that, and not take the recognition. So I guess the point of this is me saying I hope you learn to love yourself soon. I hope it happens before it's too late. You told me that your feelings for me had changed because you'd "altered them". I don't believe that for a second, but i do believe that you're trying to. You're telling yourself a version of events that helps you move past me. It's strange: for someone who is so emotional and subjective, it seems like you're very good at suppressing your feelings when you want to. It's just a shame that the one feeling you're suppressing was the best one. The one that could do you no harm. So, if you keep telling yourself these things, you'll eventually start to believe them. When you think about me or us, you'll think what you've told yourself to think, and not explore it any further. Then we truly won't have a chance. And that would be a tragedy.
I want you to reconsider. I want you to be honest with yourself. You still love me. I know because after everything I've gone through, I still love you. As much as we may want to change these things, we can't just decide to. That's why this is so hard. Because it isn't right. The gut feeling you had steered you in the right direction, and I have no argument with that. It was what we both needed. We needed to get out of that apartment, we needed to fix our problems. We couldn't do it where we were. Not only were we financially incapable, but there was too much else going on for us to worry about ourselves as individuals. We needed a break. And a break is all it needs to be, if you'd only realize how special you are, how beautiful you are, how incredibly smart and talented you are. And I love you. If you weren't worth it, I would not be giving up my life to you.
After reading over it, I think I'm going to send this. Either that or I'll post it in the forum I'm been visiting to help me through this. The only problem I'd have with sending it is not knowing whether or not I would hear your thoughts afterward. I'd be constantly checking to see if you'd written back, and if I checked enough times and you hadn't replied, I would start to resent you. I don't want that, and I know you don't want the pressure of needing to respond. I think I'll just post this in the forum.
Okay. Tonight I just need to get some of this shit out of my head. Totally free-flowing writing.
I feel like shit ever since you left me. The reasons are too many to count. I feel like maybe it was my fault sometimes, but when I really start thinking about it, I blame you as well. Did something I do lead to this? If you loved me as much as you said you did, then why was our relationship not strong enough to handle this? Could you not try harder? I know you have to do this for yourself. I always said that. I just don't know why you wouldn't try harder to separate the two. Us getting together after your problems are solved is not asking alot. It's asking you to be true to the things you said when we were together. Do this for yourself, but separate the two. Learn to value yourself and the problem is gone. Do some reflection instead of projecting and subjecting yourself to the rest of the world over YouTube for approval. Get your own approval. Make your own approval. It's not fair to make me suffer for your inability to value yourself the way I valued you.
But there is where my greatest fear lies: you might feel too ashamed to come back. I don't want that. That's part of the problem. Respect yourself enough to realize that you have a problem and realize that you're worthy of forgiveness. We can work, but it's all about you loving yourself first. Work on that. Fix that problem. And when you've done that, we can pick back up on the wonderful love that we shared. You loved me when I was at my worst, and even though I had to dig and prod and pry, I saw yours. Don't be ashamed of that, and don't say we're not right for each other because we had problems. If we weren't right for each other, we would have realized it WAY sooner. We were together for nearly three years. Three very happy years. Don't lie to me and tell me that we weren't really happy to try and make this easier for me. Be honest. If you're not honest, then you will regret it. You'll think about us several years later and wonder what could have been if you were honest with me and honest with yourself. There's no choice between me and sanity. There does, however, need to be this separation. But all the bullshit about it needing to be permanent is just that: bullshit. Bullshit you gleaned from reading a work of fiction that you cling to as some universal truth. It's almost as though you replaced your bible with this book, like you need some external source of truth for your life to have meaning. That ties back in with your lack of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that you need to find a way around.
I'm glad this didn't turn into a self-pitying list of the woes I've faced since we parted. I kind of expected that, seeing as how this is free-flowing and all. But it says something about the focus and the good that you do for me that I was able to sit and write this rationally. Our love gives me that focus.
This sounds like something I want to send to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll think about it for a few days. I just need to get this crap off my chest. I need to be honest with myself instead of trying to justify everything. So here are some difficulties I've been facing:
I'm pretty upset over the way you talked about our relationship (or didn't) to Brian. I'm sure you probably treated Nathan to the same short and sweet explanation.
We both said several times that no matter what came up, we would work through it. That didn't happen this time. We said we were together for good. It was comforting to know that we wouldn't have to "look" anymore. I meant it. It seems that you didn't. That hurts my trust. Maybe that's what hurts the most. Forever didn't happen, even though you said it would.
Short pause. But there are noises in the background that are distracting me. My brother is here recovering from surgery. His girlfriend is also here taking care of him. Like you did after my surgery. I didn't have any shame, and I wasn't self-aware. I was just hurt, and you were there to take care of me through the rough patch. It really hurts to look back on that. It hurts more to look back on the times we made each other laugh so hard we cried. We complemented each other. We didn't need anyone else because we had each other.
Here I go blaming myself again... Was it because our plans to move failed time and again? Was it because we couldn't get out of Nac, and you finally got tired of it? Did that have some effect on your decision? Because I wanted to. I really wanted to get to Austin, if not Toronto. But frankly, I would have gone anywhere as long as you came too. It was just the money. I came with this financial burden. Now, because we're apart, I get the chance to fix that problem. My main problem. And you get the chance to fix yours without having to worry about me. This is a good thing. This just doesn't have to be permanent.
If I could just make you see what I saw in you, you'd love yourself immediately, and this whole mess would be solved. You'd get healthy for yourself, and once you did that you'd have a life of happiness with me to look forward to again. But there's no way to instantly instill self-worth in someone. You're the one who has to find it and see it for yourself, because if I just showed it to you, then you would still credit me for that, and not take the recognition. So I guess the point of this is me saying I hope you learn to love yourself soon. I hope it happens before it's too late. You told me that your feelings for me had changed because you'd "altered them". I don't believe that for a second, but i do believe that you're trying to. You're telling yourself a version of events that helps you move past me. It's strange: for someone who is so emotional and subjective, it seems like you're very good at suppressing your feelings when you want to. It's just a shame that the one feeling you're suppressing was the best one. The one that could do you no harm. So, if you keep telling yourself these things, you'll eventually start to believe them. When you think about me or us, you'll think what you've told yourself to think, and not explore it any further. Then we truly won't have a chance. And that would be a tragedy.
I want you to reconsider. I want you to be honest with yourself. You still love me. I know because after everything I've gone through, I still love you. As much as we may want to change these things, we can't just decide to. That's why this is so hard. Because it isn't right. The gut feeling you had steered you in the right direction, and I have no argument with that. It was what we both needed. We needed to get out of that apartment, we needed to fix our problems. We couldn't do it where we were. Not only were we financially incapable, but there was too much else going on for us to worry about ourselves as individuals. We needed a break. And a break is all it needs to be, if you'd only realize how special you are, how beautiful you are, how incredibly smart and talented you are. And I love you. If you weren't worth it, I would not be giving up my life to you.
After reading over it, I think I'm going to send this. Either that or I'll post it in the forum I'm been visiting to help me through this. The only problem I'd have with sending it is not knowing whether or not I would hear your thoughts afterward. I'd be constantly checking to see if you'd written back, and if I checked enough times and you hadn't replied, I would start to resent you. I don't want that, and I know you don't want the pressure of needing to respond. I think I'll just post this in the forum.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Mental Chains and Whips
May 23, 2009
I sent you a message yesterday, just to say hi and see how things are going with your job hunt. You've yet to respond. I need to stop putting myself through this. I need to just not care.
What happened to that peace I found after I found out the specifics about why we had to end our relationship? I want that back. Instead, my lonliness has taken its place, and is almost equally as unbearable.
This weekend has been nice, since my brother and his girlfriend are keeping me company while the house is otherwise empty. They're leaving sometime tomorrow, though, so that leaves me an entire day alone. I'm sure it'll be filled with me checking your YouTube account, just waiting for some update from you, not matter how superficial or misleading it may be.
But like I said, today was mostly spent watching TV with my brother. That really helped to keep my mind occupied. And I caught up on watching House this morning. Still can't focus enough to get into a good video game, though. I'm almost looking forward to the contact we'll be required to make once I find out exactly how much the final expenses for our apartment are. Even though I know it'll just be business, maybe I'll be able to guage how you're dealing with this.
Honestly, I hope it hurts. I hope I'm not the only one going through this, because if I am, then I can't be sure you ever cared for me the way I did for you. I want to look back and know that you were fully in this with me. I want that image I have of you to remain unchanged. I say this while needing you to be the bad guy so I can move on.
I must be some kind of emotional masochist.
I sent you a message yesterday, just to say hi and see how things are going with your job hunt. You've yet to respond. I need to stop putting myself through this. I need to just not care.
What happened to that peace I found after I found out the specifics about why we had to end our relationship? I want that back. Instead, my lonliness has taken its place, and is almost equally as unbearable.
This weekend has been nice, since my brother and his girlfriend are keeping me company while the house is otherwise empty. They're leaving sometime tomorrow, though, so that leaves me an entire day alone. I'm sure it'll be filled with me checking your YouTube account, just waiting for some update from you, not matter how superficial or misleading it may be.
But like I said, today was mostly spent watching TV with my brother. That really helped to keep my mind occupied. And I caught up on watching House this morning. Still can't focus enough to get into a good video game, though. I'm almost looking forward to the contact we'll be required to make once I find out exactly how much the final expenses for our apartment are. Even though I know it'll just be business, maybe I'll be able to guage how you're dealing with this.
Honestly, I hope it hurts. I hope I'm not the only one going through this, because if I am, then I can't be sure you ever cared for me the way I did for you. I want to look back and know that you were fully in this with me. I want that image I have of you to remain unchanged. I say this while needing you to be the bad guy so I can move on.
I must be some kind of emotional masochist.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Abandon
May 22, 2009
I had a dream about you last night. No more falling asleep watching Rent.
In the dream, I was still living in our apartment, but it was run down, the window and the patio door were all busted out, people were constantly walking by to gawk, and I was naked, wrapped up in a sheet in the corner. Then you came in the door, beautiful as ever. You walked over to me, smiled, and wrapped your arms around me. I was confused, and then you said you missed me and came for a visit. There were no tears from either of us. We just held each other, kissed for what seemed like hours. We talked, but I couldn't tell you what it was we talked about. Then you stood up. I knew you had to go back, but I was strangely resigned. I knew you still cared, and I knew that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see you. That you would be back for another visit soon.
Yeah, that dream had me moping around all day. I miss you.
Then earlier this evening, I started to feel a sort of self-righteous confidence. I started thinking that after all, it was you, not me, who was getting the short end of the stick here. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, that was your loss. I convinced myself that one day you'd look back at all of this and regret not making the extra effort to preserve our relationship amidst the turmoil of what needed to be done.
I then started wondering if you are capable of the resilience that would be required for that. It's not that you're not strong, but I don't know if you're mentally strong enough in that way. You have a problem, an illness. And it's not fair for me to blame you for that.
Besides, I don't feel much like a prize right now. Maybe that was my self-confidence peeking its head back out after being soundly thrashed by your sudden exit from my life. I don't know. I just know that I'm in pain, and I can't blame you for it.
Still can't make you the bad guy. I'm apparently trying, though, subconsciously. Those instincts are kicking in and looking out for number one. I hope I remember how to do that after so long.
I had a dream about you last night. No more falling asleep watching Rent.
In the dream, I was still living in our apartment, but it was run down, the window and the patio door were all busted out, people were constantly walking by to gawk, and I was naked, wrapped up in a sheet in the corner. Then you came in the door, beautiful as ever. You walked over to me, smiled, and wrapped your arms around me. I was confused, and then you said you missed me and came for a visit. There were no tears from either of us. We just held each other, kissed for what seemed like hours. We talked, but I couldn't tell you what it was we talked about. Then you stood up. I knew you had to go back, but I was strangely resigned. I knew you still cared, and I knew that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see you. That you would be back for another visit soon.
Yeah, that dream had me moping around all day. I miss you.
Then earlier this evening, I started to feel a sort of self-righteous confidence. I started thinking that after all, it was you, not me, who was getting the short end of the stick here. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, that was your loss. I convinced myself that one day you'd look back at all of this and regret not making the extra effort to preserve our relationship amidst the turmoil of what needed to be done.
I then started wondering if you are capable of the resilience that would be required for that. It's not that you're not strong, but I don't know if you're mentally strong enough in that way. You have a problem, an illness. And it's not fair for me to blame you for that.
Besides, I don't feel much like a prize right now. Maybe that was my self-confidence peeking its head back out after being soundly thrashed by your sudden exit from my life. I don't know. I just know that I'm in pain, and I can't blame you for it.
Still can't make you the bad guy. I'm apparently trying, though, subconsciously. Those instincts are kicking in and looking out for number one. I hope I remember how to do that after so long.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It's the Little Things
May 21, 2009
This sucks.
All I do is sit around and think thoughts that I can't share with you anymore. If I watch a movie and see something I think is great, I can't tell you. If I saw a really funny commercial, I can't tell you. If I hear a song that I know would rock your socks off, I can't tell you. If I do really well at a game I'm playing, you're not here to congratulate me and give me that kiss on the cheek that made it all worth it.
All that and I'm sleeping alone. It's weird. I wish you were here to crawl into bed after I'm asleep and steal half the covers. I want to wake up slightly annoyed and then be relieved because now I have to curl up really close to you to be under the blanket. I want your hair to tickle my nose until I bury it in your shoulder and fall asleep thinking about how good you smell. I wanna do that thing that we always did when we went to bed around the same time, where you throw your leg over my leg and we both lay there until we kind of doze off, but then one of us has to roll over, so we both roll over. I want to wake up with your ice cold toes pressed against my thigh.
Tomorrow's another day. I'm thankful for movies like High Fidelity and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. They make me feel normal for a while.
This sucks.
All I do is sit around and think thoughts that I can't share with you anymore. If I watch a movie and see something I think is great, I can't tell you. If I saw a really funny commercial, I can't tell you. If I hear a song that I know would rock your socks off, I can't tell you. If I do really well at a game I'm playing, you're not here to congratulate me and give me that kiss on the cheek that made it all worth it.
All that and I'm sleeping alone. It's weird. I wish you were here to crawl into bed after I'm asleep and steal half the covers. I want to wake up slightly annoyed and then be relieved because now I have to curl up really close to you to be under the blanket. I want your hair to tickle my nose until I bury it in your shoulder and fall asleep thinking about how good you smell. I wanna do that thing that we always did when we went to bed around the same time, where you throw your leg over my leg and we both lay there until we kind of doze off, but then one of us has to roll over, so we both roll over. I want to wake up with your ice cold toes pressed against my thigh.
Tomorrow's another day. I'm thankful for movies like High Fidelity and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. They make me feel normal for a while.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Home is Nowhere
May 20, 2009
Again, no contact with you. Today really wouldn't have permitted it, though. My brother had surgery. Just day surgery, nothing too serious, and for the sake of his dignity, I won't go into detail. But I was gone and concerned with a lot of other things.
This doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind, though. You were still the primary thought.
Neither of us is the bad guy. I'm not sure how you're dealing with everything, but on my end, I really can't make you into the bad guy. I know why you left, and it was for a good reason. There's still greif, but it's getting easier to move on.
No, that's a lie. It's still hard as fuck to move on.
But I've found that I miss the romance and the sex less than I thought. Not that I DON'T miss them: yeah, I'd give anything to spend another night with you in my arms, to kiss you while cradling your head against my shoulder, to slide my fingers across your naked skin. But those things don't mean anything if we're not "us". No, what I miss the most is just talking to you. I miss the girl who always got my sense of humor, who knew me so well (and yes, you DID know me, whether you presumed to or not) that I didn't even have to say anything to make myself understood. I miss my friend. My Best Friend.
I think it would make us both feel better to talk as friends. But I'm kind of scared to do that because it might change our relationship completely. Because I don't want to be just your friend, Jess. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I want us to share our lives like we used to. I want to face every day by your side, and with you at mine. I know that can't happen right now, but if having my friend back for now means I lose any chance of having my partner back in the future, I'll go it alone for the time being.
I can't be attracted to other women. That sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. Yeah, I can still tell the difference between ugly and cute, but the attraction isn't there. I don't think it has been for a while. It was always just a game with us to compare our tastes in women and men, and so it felt like there was something else there; something resembling attraction. But it's clear that you're the only one I want, and the only one I can see myself spending the night with; much less the rest of my life.
That's true for now. I realize that may change at some point, because it always has. But for right now, it sickens me (seriously, makes me queasy) to think about being as intimate with someone else as I was with you. Nothing else feels like home the way you did.
Again, no contact with you. Today really wouldn't have permitted it, though. My brother had surgery. Just day surgery, nothing too serious, and for the sake of his dignity, I won't go into detail. But I was gone and concerned with a lot of other things.
This doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind, though. You were still the primary thought.
Neither of us is the bad guy. I'm not sure how you're dealing with everything, but on my end, I really can't make you into the bad guy. I know why you left, and it was for a good reason. There's still greif, but it's getting easier to move on.
No, that's a lie. It's still hard as fuck to move on.
But I've found that I miss the romance and the sex less than I thought. Not that I DON'T miss them: yeah, I'd give anything to spend another night with you in my arms, to kiss you while cradling your head against my shoulder, to slide my fingers across your naked skin. But those things don't mean anything if we're not "us". No, what I miss the most is just talking to you. I miss the girl who always got my sense of humor, who knew me so well (and yes, you DID know me, whether you presumed to or not) that I didn't even have to say anything to make myself understood. I miss my friend. My Best Friend.
I think it would make us both feel better to talk as friends. But I'm kind of scared to do that because it might change our relationship completely. Because I don't want to be just your friend, Jess. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I want us to share our lives like we used to. I want to face every day by your side, and with you at mine. I know that can't happen right now, but if having my friend back for now means I lose any chance of having my partner back in the future, I'll go it alone for the time being.
I can't be attracted to other women. That sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. Yeah, I can still tell the difference between ugly and cute, but the attraction isn't there. I don't think it has been for a while. It was always just a game with us to compare our tastes in women and men, and so it felt like there was something else there; something resembling attraction. But it's clear that you're the only one I want, and the only one I can see myself spending the night with; much less the rest of my life.
That's true for now. I realize that may change at some point, because it always has. But for right now, it sickens me (seriously, makes me queasy) to think about being as intimate with someone else as I was with you. Nothing else feels like home the way you did.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Gum
May 19, 2009.
No contact with you today. It's getting easier to handle, and I know that's good.
I thought pretty deeply about something this morning, though. All the problems we had about other people in our relationship: you know, me snooping, and you talking inappropriately with other men who clearly had more than being friends in mind... these were caused by your depression. In the same way that you don't value yourself enough to do this for yourself if we were together, you needed to feel wanted and valued by other people while we were together.
I'm not sure exactly what this means. I know it's a self-esteem issue, but does this mean that you're excused for all that? Is that why you were basically a YouTube zombie for the last couple of months? Because you were on there for approval and got it in spades? Maybe after that I just wasn't enough any more. Maybe I couldn't compete with all the people who "loved" you on YouTube, and that made it seem like a good time to get out. I don't know. But at least there's another reason that I can point to. You needed approval to feel better about yourself. You couldn't feel good for yourself, but you could for other people. I guess after a few years of being happy for me, you needed something different.
I don't mean to be hurtful by saying these things. I really do hope that this is what you need to start respecting yourself. But I'm still afraid of what could very possibly happen: you're down there close to where Brian lives now. It would be very easy to just replace me with him. That would make you feel better, even though it would be completely counter-productive. Because that would give you someone else to work for, instead of working for yourself.
That would make me feel like gum on your shoe.
I need to just stop caring, but I can't.
No contact with you today. It's getting easier to handle, and I know that's good.
I thought pretty deeply about something this morning, though. All the problems we had about other people in our relationship: you know, me snooping, and you talking inappropriately with other men who clearly had more than being friends in mind... these were caused by your depression. In the same way that you don't value yourself enough to do this for yourself if we were together, you needed to feel wanted and valued by other people while we were together.
I'm not sure exactly what this means. I know it's a self-esteem issue, but does this mean that you're excused for all that? Is that why you were basically a YouTube zombie for the last couple of months? Because you were on there for approval and got it in spades? Maybe after that I just wasn't enough any more. Maybe I couldn't compete with all the people who "loved" you on YouTube, and that made it seem like a good time to get out. I don't know. But at least there's another reason that I can point to. You needed approval to feel better about yourself. You couldn't feel good for yourself, but you could for other people. I guess after a few years of being happy for me, you needed something different.
I don't mean to be hurtful by saying these things. I really do hope that this is what you need to start respecting yourself. But I'm still afraid of what could very possibly happen: you're down there close to where Brian lives now. It would be very easy to just replace me with him. That would make you feel better, even though it would be completely counter-productive. Because that would give you someone else to work for, instead of working for yourself.
That would make me feel like gum on your shoe.
I need to just stop caring, but I can't.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A Short Recession
May 18, 2009.
-------------------------------------------
Had some contact with you today, but didn't hear your voice. We sent messages back and forth about my ticket and tried to reach a positive conclusion for us both. It felt good, being a team with you again, though I worry I might have made it too stressful for you. You're undoubtedly confused, and I'm clinging to the past like a boy to his mother's leg on the first day of school.
I smoked too much today. I need to start cutting down again.
Who am I trying to impress with this drivel? It's not like you'd ever read this if I sent it, and that's the whole IDEA. I need to write this stuff for me, but here I am writing it for you. I'm sure that says something about my condition. That I just can't let you go. I'm scared that nothing will ever be as good again.
I'm sure that fear recedes, though. Everything seems to recede.
-------------------------------------------
Had some contact with you today, but didn't hear your voice. We sent messages back and forth about my ticket and tried to reach a positive conclusion for us both. It felt good, being a team with you again, though I worry I might have made it too stressful for you. You're undoubtedly confused, and I'm clinging to the past like a boy to his mother's leg on the first day of school.
I smoked too much today. I need to start cutting down again.
Who am I trying to impress with this drivel? It's not like you'd ever read this if I sent it, and that's the whole IDEA. I need to write this stuff for me, but here I am writing it for you. I'm sure that says something about my condition. That I just can't let you go. I'm scared that nothing will ever be as good again.
I'm sure that fear recedes, though. Everything seems to recede.
The Visitor
May 17, 2009.
----------------------------------------------
Yeah, I skipped May 16. It was the day after I got closure, and I felt good for most of the day. Still thinking about you, but feeling good about where things with us left off. Nothing felt unexplained or left-hanging anymore.
Today was much the same. Falling deeper into my new routine of waking up, working out, eating something, and working until early evening, then retiring to my end of the trailer to entertain myself and ease my restless mind. I'm doing pretty well, though there are still times that I just get down about the whole thing. It's not that I wish we could just get back together anymore. I realize why we can't, and if you called me in a moment of weakness to try and get back to the way we were, I wouldn't let you. You need to do this for yourself. You need to value yourself enough to keep promises you make to yourself. That's the only way you'll beat this thing.
No, I just miss you now. That's all.
Even though I've unsubscribed to you on YouTube, I find myself visiting your profile quite often to see what new videos you've favorited or made. It just gives me a glimpse of how you're doing. Like I said, I can't just turn off the care I have for you.
Watching your latest video (the one about Dane Cook) I've begun to understand something: people like you because you're genuine, but still concerned enough about what people think about you to be entertaining. That allows people to feel as though they have a connection with you... well, that coupled with your uncanny ability to take the words that people wished they had on the tip of their tongues and parade them in such a manner that can't help but elicit a grin. You speak to that part in us all that wishes to escape from reality for just a little while... but that's because you inhabit the place we would escape to. You don't inhabit the same reality that the rest of us do, and it's both beautiful and tragic at the same time. It's beautiful because you are almost a mirage, an ethereal symbol for what we all wish we could be more like. It's tragic because, to you, everyone else is the same thing: a symbol for what you wish you could be more like. Grounded. Complete. Rational. Resilient.
In a campy sense, your videos are top notch. To someone who doesn't know you very well, the things you talk about and the way you talk about them are absolutely fantastic. To someone who knows you inside and out, your videos elicit a strange mix of admiration and pity. Part of me wishes you would find a way to join the rest of us in reality, so that we could share with you all we know, and so that you would no longer be plagued by the "beast" that shares your world with you. Another part of me wants you to stay untouched, unfettered by the constraining bonds of a rational existence, so that the world might continue to hang on every word of the visitor from our fantasies.
It almost makes me want to start making videos, because I am your polar opposite. Where you're a feeler, I'm a thinker. Where you're an appreciator, I'm a critic. Where someone can read your work and be astounded at the mental images you paint with such unorthodox phrasings, they can read mine and be awed at just how far an idea can be taken. Where you're concerned with what makes you laugh, cry, or get angry, I'm concerned with why.
I think those reasons are why we complemented each other so well for so long. It also might be why we're both special. Maybe we were meant to balance one another out. Maybe our destinies lie with each other... if not romantically, then maybe philosophically.
I don't know. I just know I miss you terribly. I miss watching your incredibly classy videos and thinking "yeah, she's awesome, but she's with me, so too bad." I took pride in being yours. Now I can only take pride in having been yours at one time. Kicking and screaming, I know I'm moving ever closer to being your friend once again. The kicking and screaming is simply because I miss my "best" friend.
----------------------------------------------
Yeah, I skipped May 16. It was the day after I got closure, and I felt good for most of the day. Still thinking about you, but feeling good about where things with us left off. Nothing felt unexplained or left-hanging anymore.
Today was much the same. Falling deeper into my new routine of waking up, working out, eating something, and working until early evening, then retiring to my end of the trailer to entertain myself and ease my restless mind. I'm doing pretty well, though there are still times that I just get down about the whole thing. It's not that I wish we could just get back together anymore. I realize why we can't, and if you called me in a moment of weakness to try and get back to the way we were, I wouldn't let you. You need to do this for yourself. You need to value yourself enough to keep promises you make to yourself. That's the only way you'll beat this thing.
No, I just miss you now. That's all.
Even though I've unsubscribed to you on YouTube, I find myself visiting your profile quite often to see what new videos you've favorited or made. It just gives me a glimpse of how you're doing. Like I said, I can't just turn off the care I have for you.
Watching your latest video (the one about Dane Cook) I've begun to understand something: people like you because you're genuine, but still concerned enough about what people think about you to be entertaining. That allows people to feel as though they have a connection with you... well, that coupled with your uncanny ability to take the words that people wished they had on the tip of their tongues and parade them in such a manner that can't help but elicit a grin. You speak to that part in us all that wishes to escape from reality for just a little while... but that's because you inhabit the place we would escape to. You don't inhabit the same reality that the rest of us do, and it's both beautiful and tragic at the same time. It's beautiful because you are almost a mirage, an ethereal symbol for what we all wish we could be more like. It's tragic because, to you, everyone else is the same thing: a symbol for what you wish you could be more like. Grounded. Complete. Rational. Resilient.
In a campy sense, your videos are top notch. To someone who doesn't know you very well, the things you talk about and the way you talk about them are absolutely fantastic. To someone who knows you inside and out, your videos elicit a strange mix of admiration and pity. Part of me wishes you would find a way to join the rest of us in reality, so that we could share with you all we know, and so that you would no longer be plagued by the "beast" that shares your world with you. Another part of me wants you to stay untouched, unfettered by the constraining bonds of a rational existence, so that the world might continue to hang on every word of the visitor from our fantasies.
It almost makes me want to start making videos, because I am your polar opposite. Where you're a feeler, I'm a thinker. Where you're an appreciator, I'm a critic. Where someone can read your work and be astounded at the mental images you paint with such unorthodox phrasings, they can read mine and be awed at just how far an idea can be taken. Where you're concerned with what makes you laugh, cry, or get angry, I'm concerned with why.
I think those reasons are why we complemented each other so well for so long. It also might be why we're both special. Maybe we were meant to balance one another out. Maybe our destinies lie with each other... if not romantically, then maybe philosophically.
I don't know. I just know I miss you terribly. I miss watching your incredibly classy videos and thinking "yeah, she's awesome, but she's with me, so too bad." I took pride in being yours. Now I can only take pride in having been yours at one time. Kicking and screaming, I know I'm moving ever closer to being your friend once again. The kicking and screaming is simply because I miss my "best" friend.
In Closing
Rectifying my poor decision from the previous night.
May 15, 2009.
-----------------------------------------------------
I got the closure I needed tonight by getting the answers I needed.
You couldn't make the promise to me that we would get back together, because that promise would take precedence over the promises you need to make to yourself: to get better, and to become a better person for yourself... not for someone else. I'm pretty sure I said those things when we were together. "Don't do this for me, do this for you." Sounds familiar, anyway, but I'm glad you've finally decided to do that, even if it did cost us our love.
You're an incredibly smart, strong, and brave person, Jessica. You made a choice I could never have made. I hope you get to the point where you do respect and value yourself above anyone else. You're a beautiful person, outside and inside, and you deserve to realize that. You're special.
I have to remind myself that I did everything I could possibly do to help you and to save our relationship. Otherwise I'll start looking for reasons to blame myself. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I need to work on some areas of "me" still, but I really did give you everything I had. It wasn't that it wasn't enough, it's that it wasn't what you needed. You needed you, and you couldn't replace you with me. That's no kind of life, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
As much as it hurts right now to accept that we may never share the love we had again, I actually do feel better. I have a reason why we couldn't work, where before (since the breakup) I've just been going nuts looking for any possible reason. I did come up with some pretty insane stuff too.
Above all else, Jessica, you were my best friend. I will always care about you in that way. I am rooting for you always, and I wish you a life filled with happiness and fulfillment. I'll always look back on what we shared as the most precious thing in my life. Thank you for everything.
Your Friend,
Chewy
May 15, 2009.
-----------------------------------------------------
I got the closure I needed tonight by getting the answers I needed.
You couldn't make the promise to me that we would get back together, because that promise would take precedence over the promises you need to make to yourself: to get better, and to become a better person for yourself... not for someone else. I'm pretty sure I said those things when we were together. "Don't do this for me, do this for you." Sounds familiar, anyway, but I'm glad you've finally decided to do that, even if it did cost us our love.
You're an incredibly smart, strong, and brave person, Jessica. You made a choice I could never have made. I hope you get to the point where you do respect and value yourself above anyone else. You're a beautiful person, outside and inside, and you deserve to realize that. You're special.
I have to remind myself that I did everything I could possibly do to help you and to save our relationship. Otherwise I'll start looking for reasons to blame myself. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I need to work on some areas of "me" still, but I really did give you everything I had. It wasn't that it wasn't enough, it's that it wasn't what you needed. You needed you, and you couldn't replace you with me. That's no kind of life, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
As much as it hurts right now to accept that we may never share the love we had again, I actually do feel better. I have a reason why we couldn't work, where before (since the breakup) I've just been going nuts looking for any possible reason. I did come up with some pretty insane stuff too.
Above all else, Jessica, you were my best friend. I will always care about you in that way. I am rooting for you always, and I wish you a life filled with happiness and fulfillment. I'll always look back on what we shared as the most precious thing in my life. Thank you for everything.
Your Friend,
Chewy
Wasted Words
This one speaks for itself. May 14, 2009.
---------------------------------------------
I just got off the phone with you.
I had some questions earlier, but when I heard your voice, they all just faded away. All I cared about was how you were doing and convincing you that I didn't hate you.
But now that I'm off the phone, they all come rushing back, along with the reasons I had them in the first place.
Did anything I did influence your decision to leave?
Why do you think it will be easier to deal with a breakup and your depression at the same time?
What harm would it do to have someone you love and who loves you supporting you through all this?
And, to add another one to the list that wasn't there until I got on the phone:
Why is it a problem that I call you "babe"?
Again, if nothing I did caused you to leave, then what's changed? Yes, you and I both need to work on things- individual problems that interfered with our relationship. Aside from that, is the love gone? I know it's not for me. How can it be for you, and so quickly at that?
Unlike last time you went home to work on your depression, there's no hope of coming back now. We don't have a home together that you can come back to. We've got to be apart. That gives us both the time and space that we need to get our own individual lives in order. So there's no reason to be worried about rushing back to me like you said you were last time. I'll still be here, but we won't and can't be physically together.
On the emotional side, I still love you. I'm fairly sure that you still love me. How can love get in the way of a healing process? I've told you that I completely understand that you need time and space alone to work this out. However, in the mean time, why do we have to act like our feelings have changed? You sounded like the woman I know you are when we were on the phone... the woman I love. The only time I was taken aback was when you said that it was a problem that I called you "babe". I only asked if it was okay to quiet my own thoughts about it. I didn't really expect you to say that it was a problem.
So I still don't get it. Why are we treating one another like something terrible happened between us? Nothing terrible happened. We're both going to be better for this time we're spending working on ourselves.
I think and I hope you've forgiven me for the things I said and the way I treated you the night you left. I've forgiven you for the way that you left. We both understand we'll be better off after this. Why would we not give one another our best once we get there?
See, this is the way I see it. We fell in love with each other when we were both at our worst. Me with my financial and dental problems, and you with your depression. Despite these things, we shared a very true, very real, and very genuine love. Why would it not be better and easier once the problems are gone?
Like I said earlier, you don't have to worry about trying to get back to me like last time, because it's not possible right now. What's done is done, and we both have work to do to get ourselves back out, and better than we were when we went in. So, in my opinion, that true love we shared is still there, and could only be better after we fix our problems.
I can feel myself repeating myself. So I guess that's all I have to say for tonight.
Regardless, it was great to talk to you, and it's a huge load off of my mind that you're doing so well. I just hope you weren't overdoing it to give me the impression that we are over for good... or worse, that you really don't love me anymore. That, I think, would scare me more than anything.
---------------------------------------------
I just got off the phone with you.
I had some questions earlier, but when I heard your voice, they all just faded away. All I cared about was how you were doing and convincing you that I didn't hate you.
But now that I'm off the phone, they all come rushing back, along with the reasons I had them in the first place.
Did anything I did influence your decision to leave?
Why do you think it will be easier to deal with a breakup and your depression at the same time?
What harm would it do to have someone you love and who loves you supporting you through all this?
And, to add another one to the list that wasn't there until I got on the phone:
Why is it a problem that I call you "babe"?
Again, if nothing I did caused you to leave, then what's changed? Yes, you and I both need to work on things- individual problems that interfered with our relationship. Aside from that, is the love gone? I know it's not for me. How can it be for you, and so quickly at that?
Unlike last time you went home to work on your depression, there's no hope of coming back now. We don't have a home together that you can come back to. We've got to be apart. That gives us both the time and space that we need to get our own individual lives in order. So there's no reason to be worried about rushing back to me like you said you were last time. I'll still be here, but we won't and can't be physically together.
On the emotional side, I still love you. I'm fairly sure that you still love me. How can love get in the way of a healing process? I've told you that I completely understand that you need time and space alone to work this out. However, in the mean time, why do we have to act like our feelings have changed? You sounded like the woman I know you are when we were on the phone... the woman I love. The only time I was taken aback was when you said that it was a problem that I called you "babe". I only asked if it was okay to quiet my own thoughts about it. I didn't really expect you to say that it was a problem.
So I still don't get it. Why are we treating one another like something terrible happened between us? Nothing terrible happened. We're both going to be better for this time we're spending working on ourselves.
I think and I hope you've forgiven me for the things I said and the way I treated you the night you left. I've forgiven you for the way that you left. We both understand we'll be better off after this. Why would we not give one another our best once we get there?
See, this is the way I see it. We fell in love with each other when we were both at our worst. Me with my financial and dental problems, and you with your depression. Despite these things, we shared a very true, very real, and very genuine love. Why would it not be better and easier once the problems are gone?
Like I said earlier, you don't have to worry about trying to get back to me like last time, because it's not possible right now. What's done is done, and we both have work to do to get ourselves back out, and better than we were when we went in. So, in my opinion, that true love we shared is still there, and could only be better after we fix our problems.
I can feel myself repeating myself. So I guess that's all I have to say for tonight.
Regardless, it was great to talk to you, and it's a huge load off of my mind that you're doing so well. I just hope you weren't overdoing it to give me the impression that we are over for good... or worse, that you really don't love me anymore. That, I think, would scare me more than anything.
Espionage
When I'd written that first post, I hadn't yet decided to keep an actual journal. This was the first post in that pretense. May 13, 2009.
-----------------------------------------------
So I finally decided to start typing out everything I'm feeling into a journal. Bout time I guess. It's been 11 days since that night that you said you were leaving.
Nearly two weeks. That image of you walking out of our front door for the last time is burned into my brain forever. I can still remember you smiling through your tears as we held each other. That really made me feel good, but also added alot of confusion for me. If we could still make each other happy, then why was this happening?
Of course, I know why it happened. Depression.
Depression is the underlying cause. I still maintain that the decision you felt you needed to make between me or your sanity did not exist. You could have had both, though not easily. I must be honest and tell you that I felt betrayed that after everything I had done to try and help you and try to accommodate your illness, you felt it was too much to ask to just work that much harder so that we could stay together through this. Needless to say, it was also too much for you to give me a few weeks to salvage my life before you went.
But I'm honestly not angry anymore. I've forgiven what needs to be forgiven, even though I know you're probably sorry for things that you don't need to feel sorry about. That was always you, Jess. Very sensitive. But I could take it. I could take a whole hell of alot. I was strong, because you needed me to be strong. The last thing you needed was to worry about me in all this mess. You needed to focus on you and on getting healthy. I took that route as long as it could last, I suppose. I took it until I felt I wouldn't be able to take it much longer, and I let you know that. I thought for sure that you were going to redouble your efforts to get better. Instead, you focused on those aspects of your thought patterns that were causing you to feel so uneasy all the time: the lack of logic, irrationality, and non-sequiturs... and you turned them into a hobby. You broadcast yourself over YouTube. And yeah, who wouldn't appreciate someone with your personality? You're a great person, Jess. You're well spoken, and the divisive issues you discuss rarely divide anyone because of the way you put things. It may be enjoyable, but it's unhealthy.
And of course you found a decent looking guy (Kiefer Sutherland fetish much?) who appreciated what and how you were saying, not to mention most probably how you looked. How could you not find someone like that?
The problem is that he only has to deal with you when he's online. He can control his involvement with you by pressing a button. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't know what you're going through like I do. He's not worried whether or not what you're doing on YouTube is counter-productive to your fight against depression! All he cares about is that he gets to watch this cute blonde chick from Texas be silly and brilliant all at the same time.
What I'm getting at is that I appreciated your brilliance, your outlook on life, and your indescribable talent with words. But at the same time, I was more worried about you as a person getting healthy. This isn't because I had some agenda of my own, or I got some kind of sadistic pleasure from telling you what you didn't want to hear. It was because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself, so I didn't care if you blew up at me for the things I said. All I cared about was my words staying with you and potentially making some sense to you later.
I don't know what else I can write tonight.
Wait, yes I do. Okay, so this was always a hot-button issue with us, but lets talk about me snooping and about Brian. So yeah, I happened to remember your Facebook password the other night when I got online. I checked it to see if you had been in contact with anyone who might be replacing me.
Well, I was sorry I snooped, but now I'm not so sure I should be. Seems you and Brian had traded some e-mails a while back when he got on Facebook. It was mostly pretty harmless stuff, even though the way you talk to him is like he's your long lost love, or your fated partner or something. It really gets under my skin. But what got under it even more was that in one message he wrote you being incredulous about your status being "Married" and you wrote him back, saying that you "had just changed it to that a while back to mess with some friends." Yeah, stab and twist. Why would you tell him that? Especially when I'm sure at some point that same day you were wearing my ring and calling me "Hubby". I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but that's just bullshit right there, Jess. Dishonest bullshit. The only reason you'd tell him that is if you wanted him to think you were available.
See, I never had anything to hide. That's why I couldn't care less if you had known all of my passwords. I trusted you, and I knew that you wouldn't find anything to upset you. You, on the other hand, DID have things to hide. Not only with Brian, but with Mr. Forst as well. Yeah, I found out about the new Facebook account, Jessi Visceral. Your only friend is Nathan. So strange.
These are things we're going to have to work out if we get back together. I know I can be a bit posessive, but I can tell the difference between when you were up to something and when you weren't.
I really don't know. My head's a mess right now. One minute I miss you more than anything, and the next I get frustrated and angry at all the things you did to me. The only constant in all of this is that I still love you. And yes, I would still like to work it out with you. The good far outweighs the bad, and the bad can be worked on. That includes me as well. I have already started working on me so that if the chance to reconcile our relationship ever comes, I won't repeat my mistakes.
So I'm gonna go outside to smoke, turn on High Fidelity (great breakup / reconciliation movie) and fall asleep. I miss you terribly, and I love you more deeply than I ever thought I was capable. I hope that you're doing well, baby.
Yours,
Chewy
-----------------------------------------------
So I finally decided to start typing out everything I'm feeling into a journal. Bout time I guess. It's been 11 days since that night that you said you were leaving.
Nearly two weeks. That image of you walking out of our front door for the last time is burned into my brain forever. I can still remember you smiling through your tears as we held each other. That really made me feel good, but also added alot of confusion for me. If we could still make each other happy, then why was this happening?
Of course, I know why it happened. Depression.
Depression is the underlying cause. I still maintain that the decision you felt you needed to make between me or your sanity did not exist. You could have had both, though not easily. I must be honest and tell you that I felt betrayed that after everything I had done to try and help you and try to accommodate your illness, you felt it was too much to ask to just work that much harder so that we could stay together through this. Needless to say, it was also too much for you to give me a few weeks to salvage my life before you went.
But I'm honestly not angry anymore. I've forgiven what needs to be forgiven, even though I know you're probably sorry for things that you don't need to feel sorry about. That was always you, Jess. Very sensitive. But I could take it. I could take a whole hell of alot. I was strong, because you needed me to be strong. The last thing you needed was to worry about me in all this mess. You needed to focus on you and on getting healthy. I took that route as long as it could last, I suppose. I took it until I felt I wouldn't be able to take it much longer, and I let you know that. I thought for sure that you were going to redouble your efforts to get better. Instead, you focused on those aspects of your thought patterns that were causing you to feel so uneasy all the time: the lack of logic, irrationality, and non-sequiturs... and you turned them into a hobby. You broadcast yourself over YouTube. And yeah, who wouldn't appreciate someone with your personality? You're a great person, Jess. You're well spoken, and the divisive issues you discuss rarely divide anyone because of the way you put things. It may be enjoyable, but it's unhealthy.
And of course you found a decent looking guy (Kiefer Sutherland fetish much?) who appreciated what and how you were saying, not to mention most probably how you looked. How could you not find someone like that?
The problem is that he only has to deal with you when he's online. He can control his involvement with you by pressing a button. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't know what you're going through like I do. He's not worried whether or not what you're doing on YouTube is counter-productive to your fight against depression! All he cares about is that he gets to watch this cute blonde chick from Texas be silly and brilliant all at the same time.
What I'm getting at is that I appreciated your brilliance, your outlook on life, and your indescribable talent with words. But at the same time, I was more worried about you as a person getting healthy. This isn't because I had some agenda of my own, or I got some kind of sadistic pleasure from telling you what you didn't want to hear. It was because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself, so I didn't care if you blew up at me for the things I said. All I cared about was my words staying with you and potentially making some sense to you later.
I don't know what else I can write tonight.
Wait, yes I do. Okay, so this was always a hot-button issue with us, but lets talk about me snooping and about Brian. So yeah, I happened to remember your Facebook password the other night when I got online. I checked it to see if you had been in contact with anyone who might be replacing me.
Well, I was sorry I snooped, but now I'm not so sure I should be. Seems you and Brian had traded some e-mails a while back when he got on Facebook. It was mostly pretty harmless stuff, even though the way you talk to him is like he's your long lost love, or your fated partner or something. It really gets under my skin. But what got under it even more was that in one message he wrote you being incredulous about your status being "Married" and you wrote him back, saying that you "had just changed it to that a while back to mess with some friends." Yeah, stab and twist. Why would you tell him that? Especially when I'm sure at some point that same day you were wearing my ring and calling me "Hubby". I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but that's just bullshit right there, Jess. Dishonest bullshit. The only reason you'd tell him that is if you wanted him to think you were available.
See, I never had anything to hide. That's why I couldn't care less if you had known all of my passwords. I trusted you, and I knew that you wouldn't find anything to upset you. You, on the other hand, DID have things to hide. Not only with Brian, but with Mr. Forst as well. Yeah, I found out about the new Facebook account, Jessi Visceral. Your only friend is Nathan. So strange.
These are things we're going to have to work out if we get back together. I know I can be a bit posessive, but I can tell the difference between when you were up to something and when you weren't.
I really don't know. My head's a mess right now. One minute I miss you more than anything, and the next I get frustrated and angry at all the things you did to me. The only constant in all of this is that I still love you. And yes, I would still like to work it out with you. The good far outweighs the bad, and the bad can be worked on. That includes me as well. I have already started working on me so that if the chance to reconcile our relationship ever comes, I won't repeat my mistakes.
So I'm gonna go outside to smoke, turn on High Fidelity (great breakup / reconciliation movie) and fall asleep. I miss you terribly, and I love you more deeply than I ever thought I was capable. I hope that you're doing well, baby.
Yours,
Chewy
Broken
And so the naked look at the psychological effects of a break up commences. These are notepad files from the journal I'm still keeping on my computer.
Here's post #1, entitled "Last Night at Home."
This was written Friday, May 8, 2009. My fiancee, Jessica, had left me the previous Sunday night, and moved out Monday, leaving me alone for a week to contemplate everything in a place that was no longer home.
The next morning, my family would arrive to move me out of the place I could no longer afford.
---------------------------------------------------
Last night at home. Hard to believe I won't be retiring from my computer desk to head into our bedroom to sleep again. From now on, it'll be the room I'm borrowing from my mom, and no one will share the space with me. It's really painful. I liked it here, but I liked it because you were here.
If someone had asked me a week ago if I thought you were unhappy in this relationship, I would have said "hell no." You always went on about how happy you were with me. That's why it comes as such a shock that you suddenly weren't.
I really have lost everything important to me. I lost my freedom. I lost my independence. I lost the chance of finishing my education within the next two years. But the most important thing I lost was your love, baby. The other things can be restored in some form, but I'll never replace that wonderful, comfortable, enveloping, forgiving, understanding, and euphoric love we shared. I still can't fully let it go.
I know the healthy thing to do is to get on with life, to live for myself, and to let any chance of a reuinion with you be decided at a later time; a time when you're healthy and I've learned not to take for granted what's most precious to me. Yes, baby, I have work to do as well. I realize that it wasn't just you who kept us from being happy. I'm also to blame, and I plan to rectify those problems. While it would be nice to have some guidance from you about what I need to work on, I know that it's not possible or practical right now.
I need you to know that I never wanted to change you to make you more like what I wanted you to be. It was never that selfish. I hated that you had to go through life with these problems, and in an attempt to help, I tried to help you become a more balanced person, a more complete person, hoping that if I could just get you in the habit of doing these things that the reasons for doing them would become clear afterward. I was wrong. I was wrong about alot of things. I never, ever meant to hurt you.
I also need to work on my anger. Every time we got into a fight, I let my anger get the best of me. Part of me wants to blame it on the frustration and stress of dealing with your depression. However, I know that simply placing the blame on your depression is no way of solving the problem. I don't want to be capable of getting that angry ever again. The night you left is a prime example of how my anger could completely destroy me, because I very well could have destroyed your image of me. It still bothers me, and I want to clarify this because it's important: I DO NOT think you are a piece of shit. I DO NOT resent you for making the choice you made. I respect you for being stronger than I could ever have been and making a decision I could never have made.
I sincerely hope we're able to reunite one day. If we take away the problems we both brought to the relationship, then what we had was definitely worth saving. If a reunion between us does occur, though, I will fully expect to have to work at it. I've been lazy in the past with you because I was happy. Now I realize that what I did was take you for granted because I felt that I didn't have to work at it. You've started me on the path to changing for the better. I realize what must be done, and now all I have to do is do it. Thank you for that.
So this is the hard part: Goodbye. Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to our life. Goodbye to our future. And goodbye to you, my love, at least for now. I wish you nothing but the very best until we meet again, because you deserve nothing less. Always remember that you are an extraordinary person who is capable of doing anything you want to do. And always remember that there is someone out there who loves you and is on your side no matter what.
Eternally Yours,
Chewy
Here's post #1, entitled "Last Night at Home."
This was written Friday, May 8, 2009. My fiancee, Jessica, had left me the previous Sunday night, and moved out Monday, leaving me alone for a week to contemplate everything in a place that was no longer home.
The next morning, my family would arrive to move me out of the place I could no longer afford.
---------------------------------------------------
Last night at home. Hard to believe I won't be retiring from my computer desk to head into our bedroom to sleep again. From now on, it'll be the room I'm borrowing from my mom, and no one will share the space with me. It's really painful. I liked it here, but I liked it because you were here.
If someone had asked me a week ago if I thought you were unhappy in this relationship, I would have said "hell no." You always went on about how happy you were with me. That's why it comes as such a shock that you suddenly weren't.
I really have lost everything important to me. I lost my freedom. I lost my independence. I lost the chance of finishing my education within the next two years. But the most important thing I lost was your love, baby. The other things can be restored in some form, but I'll never replace that wonderful, comfortable, enveloping, forgiving, understanding, and euphoric love we shared. I still can't fully let it go.
I know the healthy thing to do is to get on with life, to live for myself, and to let any chance of a reuinion with you be decided at a later time; a time when you're healthy and I've learned not to take for granted what's most precious to me. Yes, baby, I have work to do as well. I realize that it wasn't just you who kept us from being happy. I'm also to blame, and I plan to rectify those problems. While it would be nice to have some guidance from you about what I need to work on, I know that it's not possible or practical right now.
I need you to know that I never wanted to change you to make you more like what I wanted you to be. It was never that selfish. I hated that you had to go through life with these problems, and in an attempt to help, I tried to help you become a more balanced person, a more complete person, hoping that if I could just get you in the habit of doing these things that the reasons for doing them would become clear afterward. I was wrong. I was wrong about alot of things. I never, ever meant to hurt you.
I also need to work on my anger. Every time we got into a fight, I let my anger get the best of me. Part of me wants to blame it on the frustration and stress of dealing with your depression. However, I know that simply placing the blame on your depression is no way of solving the problem. I don't want to be capable of getting that angry ever again. The night you left is a prime example of how my anger could completely destroy me, because I very well could have destroyed your image of me. It still bothers me, and I want to clarify this because it's important: I DO NOT think you are a piece of shit. I DO NOT resent you for making the choice you made. I respect you for being stronger than I could ever have been and making a decision I could never have made.
I sincerely hope we're able to reunite one day. If we take away the problems we both brought to the relationship, then what we had was definitely worth saving. If a reunion between us does occur, though, I will fully expect to have to work at it. I've been lazy in the past with you because I was happy. Now I realize that what I did was take you for granted because I felt that I didn't have to work at it. You've started me on the path to changing for the better. I realize what must be done, and now all I have to do is do it. Thank you for that.
So this is the hard part: Goodbye. Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to our life. Goodbye to our future. And goodbye to you, my love, at least for now. I wish you nothing but the very best until we meet again, because you deserve nothing less. Always remember that you are an extraordinary person who is capable of doing anything you want to do. And always remember that there is someone out there who loves you and is on your side no matter what.
Eternally Yours,
Chewy
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