Abandon

May 22, 2009

I had a dream about you last night. No more falling asleep watching Rent.

In the dream, I was still living in our apartment, but it was run down, the window and the patio door were all busted out, people were constantly walking by to gawk, and I was naked, wrapped up in a sheet in the corner. Then you came in the door, beautiful as ever. You walked over to me, smiled, and wrapped your arms around me. I was confused, and then you said you missed me and came for a visit. There were no tears from either of us. We just held each other, kissed for what seemed like hours. We talked, but I couldn't tell you what it was we talked about. Then you stood up. I knew you had to go back, but I was strangely resigned. I knew you still cared, and I knew that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see you. That you would be back for another visit soon.

Yeah, that dream had me moping around all day. I miss you.

Then earlier this evening, I started to feel a sort of self-righteous confidence. I started thinking that after all, it was you, not me, who was getting the short end of the stick here. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, that was your loss. I convinced myself that one day you'd look back at all of this and regret not making the extra effort to preserve our relationship amidst the turmoil of what needed to be done.

I then started wondering if you are capable of the resilience that would be required for that. It's not that you're not strong, but I don't know if you're mentally strong enough in that way. You have a problem, an illness. And it's not fair for me to blame you for that.

Besides, I don't feel much like a prize right now. Maybe that was my self-confidence peeking its head back out after being soundly thrashed by your sudden exit from my life. I don't know. I just know that I'm in pain, and I can't blame you for it.

Still can't make you the bad guy. I'm apparently trying, though, subconsciously. Those instincts are kicking in and looking out for number one. I hope I remember how to do that after so long.