Wasted Words

This one speaks for itself. May 14, 2009.

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I just got off the phone with you.

I had some questions earlier, but when I heard your voice, they all just faded away. All I cared about was how you were doing and convincing you that I didn't hate you.

But now that I'm off the phone, they all come rushing back, along with the reasons I had them in the first place.

Did anything I did influence your decision to leave?

Why do you think it will be easier to deal with a breakup and your depression at the same time?

What harm would it do to have someone you love and who loves you supporting you through all this?

And, to add another one to the list that wasn't there until I got on the phone:

Why is it a problem that I call you "babe"?

Again, if nothing I did caused you to leave, then what's changed? Yes, you and I both need to work on things- individual problems that interfered with our relationship. Aside from that, is the love gone? I know it's not for me. How can it be for you, and so quickly at that?

Unlike last time you went home to work on your depression, there's no hope of coming back now. We don't have a home together that you can come back to. We've got to be apart. That gives us both the time and space that we need to get our own individual lives in order. So there's no reason to be worried about rushing back to me like you said you were last time. I'll still be here, but we won't and can't be physically together.

On the emotional side, I still love you. I'm fairly sure that you still love me. How can love get in the way of a healing process? I've told you that I completely understand that you need time and space alone to work this out. However, in the mean time, why do we have to act like our feelings have changed? You sounded like the woman I know you are when we were on the phone... the woman I love. The only time I was taken aback was when you said that it was a problem that I called you "babe". I only asked if it was okay to quiet my own thoughts about it. I didn't really expect you to say that it was a problem.

So I still don't get it. Why are we treating one another like something terrible happened between us? Nothing terrible happened. We're both going to be better for this time we're spending working on ourselves.

I think and I hope you've forgiven me for the things I said and the way I treated you the night you left. I've forgiven you for the way that you left. We both understand we'll be better off after this. Why would we not give one another our best once we get there?

See, this is the way I see it. We fell in love with each other when we were both at our worst. Me with my financial and dental problems, and you with your depression. Despite these things, we shared a very true, very real, and very genuine love. Why would it not be better and easier once the problems are gone?

Like I said earlier, you don't have to worry about trying to get back to me like last time, because it's not possible right now. What's done is done, and we both have work to do to get ourselves back out, and better than we were when we went in. So, in my opinion, that true love we shared is still there, and could only be better after we fix our problems.

I can feel myself repeating myself. So I guess that's all I have to say for tonight.

Regardless, it was great to talk to you, and it's a huge load off of my mind that you're doing so well. I just hope you weren't overdoing it to give me the impression that we are over for good... or worse, that you really don't love me anymore. That, I think, would scare me more than anything.