Mental Chains and Whips

May 23, 2009

I sent you a message yesterday, just to say hi and see how things are going with your job hunt. You've yet to respond. I need to stop putting myself through this. I need to just not care.

What happened to that peace I found after I found out the specifics about why we had to end our relationship? I want that back. Instead, my lonliness has taken its place, and is almost equally as unbearable.

This weekend has been nice, since my brother and his girlfriend are keeping me company while the house is otherwise empty. They're leaving sometime tomorrow, though, so that leaves me an entire day alone. I'm sure it'll be filled with me checking your YouTube account, just waiting for some update from you, not matter how superficial or misleading it may be.

But like I said, today was mostly spent watching TV with my brother. That really helped to keep my mind occupied. And I caught up on watching House this morning. Still can't focus enough to get into a good video game, though. I'm almost looking forward to the contact we'll be required to make once I find out exactly how much the final expenses for our apartment are. Even though I know it'll just be business, maybe I'll be able to guage how you're dealing with this.

Honestly, I hope it hurts. I hope I'm not the only one going through this, because if I am, then I can't be sure you ever cared for me the way I did for you. I want to look back and know that you were fully in this with me. I want that image I have of you to remain unchanged. I say this while needing you to be the bad guy so I can move on.

I must be some kind of emotional masochist.