Like a River

May 24, 2009

Okay. Tonight I just need to get some of this shit out of my head. Totally free-flowing writing.

I feel like shit ever since you left me. The reasons are too many to count. I feel like maybe it was my fault sometimes, but when I really start thinking about it, I blame you as well. Did something I do lead to this? If you loved me as much as you said you did, then why was our relationship not strong enough to handle this? Could you not try harder? I know you have to do this for yourself. I always said that. I just don't know why you wouldn't try harder to separate the two. Us getting together after your problems are solved is not asking alot. It's asking you to be true to the things you said when we were together. Do this for yourself, but separate the two. Learn to value yourself and the problem is gone. Do some reflection instead of projecting and subjecting yourself to the rest of the world over YouTube for approval. Get your own approval. Make your own approval. It's not fair to make me suffer for your inability to value yourself the way I valued you.

But there is where my greatest fear lies: you might feel too ashamed to come back. I don't want that. That's part of the problem. Respect yourself enough to realize that you have a problem and realize that you're worthy of forgiveness. We can work, but it's all about you loving yourself first. Work on that. Fix that problem. And when you've done that, we can pick back up on the wonderful love that we shared. You loved me when I was at my worst, and even though I had to dig and prod and pry, I saw yours. Don't be ashamed of that, and don't say we're not right for each other because we had problems. If we weren't right for each other, we would have realized it WAY sooner. We were together for nearly three years. Three very happy years. Don't lie to me and tell me that we weren't really happy to try and make this easier for me. Be honest. If you're not honest, then you will regret it. You'll think about us several years later and wonder what could have been if you were honest with me and honest with yourself. There's no choice between me and sanity. There does, however, need to be this separation. But all the bullshit about it needing to be permanent is just that: bullshit. Bullshit you gleaned from reading a work of fiction that you cling to as some universal truth. It's almost as though you replaced your bible with this book, like you need some external source of truth for your life to have meaning. That ties back in with your lack of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that you need to find a way around.

I'm glad this didn't turn into a self-pitying list of the woes I've faced since we parted. I kind of expected that, seeing as how this is free-flowing and all. But it says something about the focus and the good that you do for me that I was able to sit and write this rationally. Our love gives me that focus.

This sounds like something I want to send to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll think about it for a few days. I just need to get this crap off my chest. I need to be honest with myself instead of trying to justify everything. So here are some difficulties I've been facing:

I'm pretty upset over the way you talked about our relationship (or didn't) to Brian. I'm sure you probably treated Nathan to the same short and sweet explanation.

We both said several times that no matter what came up, we would work through it. That didn't happen this time. We said we were together for good. It was comforting to know that we wouldn't have to "look" anymore. I meant it. It seems that you didn't. That hurts my trust. Maybe that's what hurts the most. Forever didn't happen, even though you said it would.

Short pause. But there are noises in the background that are distracting me. My brother is here recovering from surgery. His girlfriend is also here taking care of him. Like you did after my surgery. I didn't have any shame, and I wasn't self-aware. I was just hurt, and you were there to take care of me through the rough patch. It really hurts to look back on that. It hurts more to look back on the times we made each other laugh so hard we cried. We complemented each other. We didn't need anyone else because we had each other.

Here I go blaming myself again... Was it because our plans to move failed time and again? Was it because we couldn't get out of Nac, and you finally got tired of it? Did that have some effect on your decision? Because I wanted to. I really wanted to get to Austin, if not Toronto. But frankly, I would have gone anywhere as long as you came too. It was just the money. I came with this financial burden. Now, because we're apart, I get the chance to fix that problem. My main problem. And you get the chance to fix yours without having to worry about me. This is a good thing. This just doesn't have to be permanent.

If I could just make you see what I saw in you, you'd love yourself immediately, and this whole mess would be solved. You'd get healthy for yourself, and once you did that you'd have a life of happiness with me to look forward to again. But there's no way to instantly instill self-worth in someone. You're the one who has to find it and see it for yourself, because if I just showed it to you, then you would still credit me for that, and not take the recognition. So I guess the point of this is me saying I hope you learn to love yourself soon. I hope it happens before it's too late. You told me that your feelings for me had changed because you'd "altered them". I don't believe that for a second, but i do believe that you're trying to. You're telling yourself a version of events that helps you move past me. It's strange: for someone who is so emotional and subjective, it seems like you're very good at suppressing your feelings when you want to. It's just a shame that the one feeling you're suppressing was the best one. The one that could do you no harm. So, if you keep telling yourself these things, you'll eventually start to believe them. When you think about me or us, you'll think what you've told yourself to think, and not explore it any further. Then we truly won't have a chance. And that would be a tragedy.

I want you to reconsider. I want you to be honest with yourself. You still love me. I know because after everything I've gone through, I still love you. As much as we may want to change these things, we can't just decide to. That's why this is so hard. Because it isn't right. The gut feeling you had steered you in the right direction, and I have no argument with that. It was what we both needed. We needed to get out of that apartment, we needed to fix our problems. We couldn't do it where we were. Not only were we financially incapable, but there was too much else going on for us to worry about ourselves as individuals. We needed a break. And a break is all it needs to be, if you'd only realize how special you are, how beautiful you are, how incredibly smart and talented you are. And I love you. If you weren't worth it, I would not be giving up my life to you.

After reading over it, I think I'm going to send this. Either that or I'll post it in the forum I'm been visiting to help me through this. The only problem I'd have with sending it is not knowing whether or not I would hear your thoughts afterward. I'd be constantly checking to see if you'd written back, and if I checked enough times and you hadn't replied, I would start to resent you. I don't want that, and I know you don't want the pressure of needing to respond. I think I'll just post this in the forum.