Home is Nowhere

May 20, 2009

Again, no contact with you. Today really wouldn't have permitted it, though. My brother had surgery. Just day surgery, nothing too serious, and for the sake of his dignity, I won't go into detail. But I was gone and concerned with a lot of other things.

This doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind, though. You were still the primary thought.

Neither of us is the bad guy. I'm not sure how you're dealing with everything, but on my end, I really can't make you into the bad guy. I know why you left, and it was for a good reason. There's still greif, but it's getting easier to move on.

No, that's a lie. It's still hard as fuck to move on.

But I've found that I miss the romance and the sex less than I thought. Not that I DON'T miss them: yeah, I'd give anything to spend another night with you in my arms, to kiss you while cradling your head against my shoulder, to slide my fingers across your naked skin. But those things don't mean anything if we're not "us". No, what I miss the most is just talking to you. I miss the girl who always got my sense of humor, who knew me so well (and yes, you DID know me, whether you presumed to or not) that I didn't even have to say anything to make myself understood. I miss my friend. My Best Friend.

I think it would make us both feel better to talk as friends. But I'm kind of scared to do that because it might change our relationship completely. Because I don't want to be just your friend, Jess. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I want us to share our lives like we used to. I want to face every day by your side, and with you at mine. I know that can't happen right now, but if having my friend back for now means I lose any chance of having my partner back in the future, I'll go it alone for the time being.

I can't be attracted to other women. That sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. Yeah, I can still tell the difference between ugly and cute, but the attraction isn't there. I don't think it has been for a while. It was always just a game with us to compare our tastes in women and men, and so it felt like there was something else there; something resembling attraction. But it's clear that you're the only one I want, and the only one I can see myself spending the night with; much less the rest of my life.

That's true for now. I realize that may change at some point, because it always has. But for right now, it sickens me (seriously, makes me queasy) to think about being as intimate with someone else as I was with you. Nothing else feels like home the way you did.