Espionage

When I'd written that first post, I hadn't yet decided to keep an actual journal. This was the first post in that pretense. May 13, 2009.

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So I finally decided to start typing out everything I'm feeling into a journal. Bout time I guess. It's been 11 days since that night that you said you were leaving.

Nearly two weeks. That image of you walking out of our front door for the last time is burned into my brain forever. I can still remember you smiling through your tears as we held each other. That really made me feel good, but also added alot of confusion for me. If we could still make each other happy, then why was this happening?

Of course, I know why it happened. Depression.

Depression is the underlying cause. I still maintain that the decision you felt you needed to make between me or your sanity did not exist. You could have had both, though not easily. I must be honest and tell you that I felt betrayed that after everything I had done to try and help you and try to accommodate your illness, you felt it was too much to ask to just work that much harder so that we could stay together through this. Needless to say, it was also too much for you to give me a few weeks to salvage my life before you went.

But I'm honestly not angry anymore. I've forgiven what needs to be forgiven, even though I know you're probably sorry for things that you don't need to feel sorry about. That was always you, Jess. Very sensitive. But I could take it. I could take a whole hell of alot. I was strong, because you needed me to be strong. The last thing you needed was to worry about me in all this mess. You needed to focus on you and on getting healthy. I took that route as long as it could last, I suppose. I took it until I felt I wouldn't be able to take it much longer, and I let you know that. I thought for sure that you were going to redouble your efforts to get better. Instead, you focused on those aspects of your thought patterns that were causing you to feel so uneasy all the time: the lack of logic, irrationality, and non-sequiturs... and you turned them into a hobby. You broadcast yourself over YouTube. And yeah, who wouldn't appreciate someone with your personality? You're a great person, Jess. You're well spoken, and the divisive issues you discuss rarely divide anyone because of the way you put things. It may be enjoyable, but it's unhealthy.

And of course you found a decent looking guy (Kiefer Sutherland fetish much?) who appreciated what and how you were saying, not to mention most probably how you looked. How could you not find someone like that?

The problem is that he only has to deal with you when he's online. He can control his involvement with you by pressing a button. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't know what you're going through like I do. He's not worried whether or not what you're doing on YouTube is counter-productive to your fight against depression! All he cares about is that he gets to watch this cute blonde chick from Texas be silly and brilliant all at the same time.

What I'm getting at is that I appreciated your brilliance, your outlook on life, and your indescribable talent with words. But at the same time, I was more worried about you as a person getting healthy. This isn't because I had some agenda of my own, or I got some kind of sadistic pleasure from telling you what you didn't want to hear. It was because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself, so I didn't care if you blew up at me for the things I said. All I cared about was my words staying with you and potentially making some sense to you later.

I don't know what else I can write tonight.

Wait, yes I do. Okay, so this was always a hot-button issue with us, but lets talk about me snooping and about Brian. So yeah, I happened to remember your Facebook password the other night when I got online. I checked it to see if you had been in contact with anyone who might be replacing me.

Well, I was sorry I snooped, but now I'm not so sure I should be. Seems you and Brian had traded some e-mails a while back when he got on Facebook. It was mostly pretty harmless stuff, even though the way you talk to him is like he's your long lost love, or your fated partner or something. It really gets under my skin. But what got under it even more was that in one message he wrote you being incredulous about your status being "Married" and you wrote him back, saying that you "had just changed it to that a while back to mess with some friends." Yeah, stab and twist. Why would you tell him that? Especially when I'm sure at some point that same day you were wearing my ring and calling me "Hubby". I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but that's just bullshit right there, Jess. Dishonest bullshit. The only reason you'd tell him that is if you wanted him to think you were available.

See, I never had anything to hide. That's why I couldn't care less if you had known all of my passwords. I trusted you, and I knew that you wouldn't find anything to upset you. You, on the other hand, DID have things to hide. Not only with Brian, but with Mr. Forst as well. Yeah, I found out about the new Facebook account, Jessi Visceral. Your only friend is Nathan. So strange.

These are things we're going to have to work out if we get back together. I know I can be a bit posessive, but I can tell the difference between when you were up to something and when you weren't.

I really don't know. My head's a mess right now. One minute I miss you more than anything, and the next I get frustrated and angry at all the things you did to me. The only constant in all of this is that I still love you. And yes, I would still like to work it out with you. The good far outweighs the bad, and the bad can be worked on. That includes me as well. I have already started working on me so that if the chance to reconcile our relationship ever comes, I won't repeat my mistakes.

So I'm gonna go outside to smoke, turn on High Fidelity (great breakup / reconciliation movie) and fall asleep. I miss you terribly, and I love you more deeply than I ever thought I was capable. I hope that you're doing well, baby.

Yours,
Chewy