May 26, 2009
Skipped yesterday. I really couldn't find anything to add after giving myself that mental enema. Tonight's not much different, though I feel I should comment on my change in mood.
It's not that I'm happier, because I'm not. I'm just not as distraught as I was. I think I'm letting go. I still hope it works out for us, but it's finally sinking in that there's nothing I can do about it right now. I think you, on the other hand, might either be really working on yourself, or really missing me a lot. You havn't made a YouTube video in four days. That makes me really happy. On the other hand, the video I made for you has had two more views in the past day. It's a stretch, but I feel like maybe it was you.
Tomorrow my real job starts. I'm going to be working forty hours every week from here on in. Lots to keep my mind occupied. But nothing will ever grace my imagination the way you did. You captured every facet of my fantasies. You were a living dream.
You just made me very happy. Thank you for that.
I don't know what this means for my journal. I'm sure I'll be wanting to write more in it, but I'm not so sure about trying to make it a daily ritual if it doesn't need to be. I hope you're getting better. I hope you realize what a wonderful person you are, and no matter what happens with us, I hope you'll be happy. I lean towards wanting us to be together, but if that means you'll be unhappy then I wouldn't want that.
As far as contact, the ball's in your court. I wrote you several days ago letting you know that if you want to talk, I'm here. I still mean that... at least I think I do. It's one of those things where I wouldn't know how I'd feel until it happens. But I feel like it would go well. It's strange typing this to no one, but I want to say something directly to you for a second.
I love you. I always will. You're my princess, my buddy, my wifey. And I'm your hubby, your sultan, and your goat. We'll always have our bubble, where we can escape the rest of the world for a short while. But right now, we both need to face the world head-on and get these problems solved so that we can be better for ourselves, and whoever is lucky enough to share our lives with us. I know we can do it. We can do anything.
I believe in you, Jessica.
My heart breaks as I read about your "bubble" with Jess. I know exactly what you mean by that. No matter who we end up with, we will always have that world with our ex that only the two of us can share.
ReplyDeleteLee and I had our special bubble too and our own special names. I was "The Fair One" and he was "Milk Chocolate Eel." He also called me Care Bear and I called him Sweetness Factor. It's those little things that can't be shared with just anyone. We had our own shared opinions and experiences with things, "inside" jokes and expressions...it's sad to lose that.
That "bubble" is like your baby...something you created out of shared love...then when it is no longer shared, the bubble seems to break and the contents spill out. But it never really dies because something that exists can never die, I believe. It just changes form.
I wish you and Jess the best of luck for future reconciliation. Maybe the old has to die in order for the new to be born.
Sincerely,
Jenny AKA WomanWriter