The Gum

May 19, 2009.

No contact with you today. It's getting easier to handle, and I know that's good.

I thought pretty deeply about something this morning, though. All the problems we had about other people in our relationship: you know, me snooping, and you talking inappropriately with other men who clearly had more than being friends in mind... these were caused by your depression. In the same way that you don't value yourself enough to do this for yourself if we were together, you needed to feel wanted and valued by other people while we were together.

I'm not sure exactly what this means. I know it's a self-esteem issue, but does this mean that you're excused for all that? Is that why you were basically a YouTube zombie for the last couple of months? Because you were on there for approval and got it in spades? Maybe after that I just wasn't enough any more. Maybe I couldn't compete with all the people who "loved" you on YouTube, and that made it seem like a good time to get out. I don't know. But at least there's another reason that I can point to. You needed approval to feel better about yourself. You couldn't feel good for yourself, but you could for other people. I guess after a few years of being happy for me, you needed something different.

I don't mean to be hurtful by saying these things. I really do hope that this is what you need to start respecting yourself. But I'm still afraid of what could very possibly happen: you're down there close to where Brian lives now. It would be very easy to just replace me with him. That would make you feel better, even though it would be completely counter-productive. Because that would give you someone else to work for, instead of working for yourself.

That would make me feel like gum on your shoe.

I need to just stop caring, but I can't.