Broken

And so the naked look at the psychological effects of a break up commences. These are notepad files from the journal I'm still keeping on my computer.

Here's post #1, entitled "Last Night at Home."

This was written Friday, May 8, 2009. My fiancee, Jessica, had left me the previous Sunday night, and moved out Monday, leaving me alone for a week to contemplate everything in a place that was no longer home.

The next morning, my family would arrive to move me out of the place I could no longer afford.
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Last night at home. Hard to believe I won't be retiring from my computer desk to head into our bedroom to sleep again. From now on, it'll be the room I'm borrowing from my mom, and no one will share the space with me. It's really painful. I liked it here, but I liked it because you were here.

If someone had asked me a week ago if I thought you were unhappy in this relationship, I would have said "hell no." You always went on about how happy you were with me. That's why it comes as such a shock that you suddenly weren't.

I really have lost everything important to me. I lost my freedom. I lost my independence. I lost the chance of finishing my education within the next two years. But the most important thing I lost was your love, baby. The other things can be restored in some form, but I'll never replace that wonderful, comfortable, enveloping, forgiving, understanding, and euphoric love we shared. I still can't fully let it go.

I know the healthy thing to do is to get on with life, to live for myself, and to let any chance of a reuinion with you be decided at a later time; a time when you're healthy and I've learned not to take for granted what's most precious to me. Yes, baby, I have work to do as well. I realize that it wasn't just you who kept us from being happy. I'm also to blame, and I plan to rectify those problems. While it would be nice to have some guidance from you about what I need to work on, I know that it's not possible or practical right now.

I need you to know that I never wanted to change you to make you more like what I wanted you to be. It was never that selfish. I hated that you had to go through life with these problems, and in an attempt to help, I tried to help you become a more balanced person, a more complete person, hoping that if I could just get you in the habit of doing these things that the reasons for doing them would become clear afterward. I was wrong. I was wrong about alot of things. I never, ever meant to hurt you.

I also need to work on my anger. Every time we got into a fight, I let my anger get the best of me. Part of me wants to blame it on the frustration and stress of dealing with your depression. However, I know that simply placing the blame on your depression is no way of solving the problem. I don't want to be capable of getting that angry ever again. The night you left is a prime example of how my anger could completely destroy me, because I very well could have destroyed your image of me. It still bothers me, and I want to clarify this because it's important: I DO NOT think you are a piece of shit. I DO NOT resent you for making the choice you made. I respect you for being stronger than I could ever have been and making a decision I could never have made.

I sincerely hope we're able to reunite one day. If we take away the problems we both brought to the relationship, then what we had was definitely worth saving. If a reunion between us does occur, though, I will fully expect to have to work at it. I've been lazy in the past with you because I was happy. Now I realize that what I did was take you for granted because I felt that I didn't have to work at it. You've started me on the path to changing for the better. I realize what must be done, and now all I have to do is do it. Thank you for that.

So this is the hard part: Goodbye. Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to our life. Goodbye to our future. And goodbye to you, my love, at least for now. I wish you nothing but the very best until we meet again, because you deserve nothing less. Always remember that you are an extraordinary person who is capable of doing anything you want to do. And always remember that there is someone out there who loves you and is on your side no matter what.

Eternally Yours,
Chewy